The Frame Fucktory - Closing Remarks

As I think back, to the telephone hearing that took place at the end of July of 2009 that was a moment of closure on a period of my life that needed to be let go (and believe me, I did that on so many levels it's actually funny now). I made a consorted effort to bring to light the truth about what had occurred in the months leading up to January 20th, 2009 (the day I was liberated from a man who talked mighty and acted minor). Even on the day of the hearing, he told of an instance to try and demonstrate that i was, in fact (in his view) a horrible, ruthless person. As I listened to his testimony to the judge, I remember thinking... 'I wonder if he'll tell the whole story of those events that transpired with the situation he was telling???' BUZZ!(wrong answer). Once, and finally, again, he failed to tell the whole story. He only spoke of the elements that demonstrated his point and not the truth that would have clearly shown his poor management and communication skills. The case was decided on a simple thing (pathetic as it was). I had not answered Greg when he asked me, 'What's the matter?' on that day. The rest of the testimony was moot from that point forward. Yes, he failed because he could face up to the reality (much less explain it to anyone) about his own inability to give complete disclosure about the situations (perhaps, as we all knew, was because it would have made him out to be exactly what everyone who worked with him to be... a coward. I have posted after almost a year the two letters I composed and submitted to Workforce Development Judge to share with all of you where I was back then with all of this unnecessary crap. In terms of Greg Dale and the Frame Factory, he failed on all levels with me and, in return, he received all that he deserved since then. I gave an Oscar award winning performance on the phone that day. Ultimately, I got exactly what I wanted and he helped me attain that goal: Freedom. Peace.

The Frame Fucktory - Outstanding Contributions

While employed by the Frame Factory, I frequently worked above and beyond the owner’s expectations.  When the workload was especially demanding or I felt that good progress had not been made during the course of a given day of work I would voluntarily put in unpaid overtime.  Annual bonuses were given to me based upon the Frame Factory's annual sales and respective net worth profit. I developed and implemented an accelerated framing program to address customer needs when orders were time sensitive.  I designed and created custom framed pieces for myself which I loaned to the Frame Factory to market the available talent and creative skills available.  I promoted the Frame Factory specifically in two articles for which I had been interviewed by the South Bend Tribune .
When interviewed for the position of assistant manager, in November of 1999, I was asked, “What skills and talents would you bring to the business?” My response, “I bring a creative, conscious and meticulous mindset. I'm very detail-oriented and work well with people. If I'm given the right tools to do the job, I'll do great work.” In hindsight, I was speaking to the ideal and need for the proper physical tools. As time passed, I came to realize that this statement also meant that I would need clear and open communication, something that I felt was deteriorating in the last three to four years. Even in that period of time, I was trying to cultivate good communication within the business, in an attempt to avoid the shortfalls that so many workplace environments suffer. Unfortunately, my attempts to create that open dialogue were met with heightened levels of resistance from Mr. Dale specifically in the planning period leading up to and during the temporary re-location of the Frame Factory in January 2009.
My daily routine included assessing the work to be completed and to create more efficiency in the process. However in my view, Mr. Dale's management style stemmed from a desire for him to have a extreme level of authority over how the business would operate on a day-to-day basis. The less the employees were in the know of things, the more that his authority enabled him to keep us working less than efficiently. This does create challenging employer/employee relations and customer/employee relations in such an environment. From my personal perspective, it not only places a level of responsibility upon each and every member of the staff to be in a defensive position within the business and also creates a mindset that makes working with customers more challenging and also less professional than would be ideal. Without exception, every member of the staff has contributed to a potential loss of existing and future business at various times.
A workplace environment should cultivate an open forum that provides a reasonable sense of purpose and allows in new ideas with a reasonable level of confidence that not only would those ideas and proposals be heard but seriously considered and acted upon. This is an ongoing process. As time passed this was becoming less frequent at the Frame Factory. In fact, some of the most progressive and creative ideas were being marginalized because they went above and beyond the expectations of Mr. Dale's vision for the business despite his encouragement to offer and propose possible changes to improve the work process. Such proposals were designed and supported by numerous employees throughout my employment. When presented to Mr. Dale, proposals were challenged to the point that the incentive to offer such contributions to the business in the future were considered a pointless endeavor. I greatly reduced the number of proposals that I developed and presented in light of this realization.
On the other hand, if Mr. Dale developed an idea or proposal, it could be questioned and challenged and yet, if he decided that it would happen according to his preference, then it would happen in that way regardless of any valid counter proposal or idea presented to him.
This type of workplace environment is not conducive to creative and innovative ideas, much less successful implementation. Such a workplace environment cultivates an unnecessary tension level for all who worked there. The Frame Factory work environment, I feel, was advancing to this level despite numerous attempts to offer ideas and proposals that had the potential to benefit the business. I feel that those tensions created specifically under Mr. Dale's authority ultimately contributed to my termination. Thank you for time.

January 20th, 2009 - 'the Frame Fucktory'

This letter will focus on the sequence of events that occurred on January 20th and 21st of 2009. I have recalled them accurately and truly to the best of my ability.
The tone of the day was set by the prior day's sporadic level of efficiency. We were in the process of moving the inventory and equipment from the original store front to a temporary location about forty feet down the shopping center strip at the Martin's North Ironwood Plaza. January 20th was a day to regroup and complete the move into the temporary space.

January 20th

9:30 a.m. I arrive at the Frame Factory

9:35 a.m. Mr. Dale is placing matting material into the racking system. Mr.
Dale, my co-worker Adham Halsaver and I were assessing the tasks
for the day and doing some general housekeeping and organizing.
Mr. Dale leaves shortly thereafter to run some errands. He is gone
approximately an hour and forty-five minutes.

9:45 a.m. I am working in the back room cleaning up and organizing the
various materials that are randomly laid about the space. At some
point while doing this, I twist my right ankle and find myself limping
mildly around the back room, but continuing to work. During this
period, Adham and I have been discussing the various challenges and
situations that are arising from the move. This conversation is a
critical assessment of the sporadic level of organization leading up to
and during the moving process and also a realization that the plan and
process are creating an inefficient functional working environment.
Based upon our conversation, the frustration of the previous days
begins to resurface as we continue to discuss these issues. We
discovered the day prior that the new concrete floor has suffered
almost immediate damage, specifically a quarter-inch crack spanning
across the width of the space in the temporary location. We realize
that the work being done by the contractors is faulty. This frustrates
us even more. We are in complete agreement as to the situation that
we are faced with and that Mr. Dale, at this point, appears to be
disinterested in the seriousness of the general situation.

11:20 a.m. Mr. Dale returns. He enters the room where I am working. He stands
for a moment watching me work and begins by asking, “What's happening?” I reply, “Not much, just trying to get things organized.”
He inquires about my limping. I respond shortly, 'It's fine... I'll be
fine.” He becomes more assertive in his tone of questioning. I
attempt to defuse the inquiry because I feel that an argument may
result. I am holding a handful of sticks for framing as he approaches
me and stands directly in front of me when I attempt to cross the
room. In a stern voice, I say to him, “Get out of my way.” He takes
a half step to the side and I half step around him. I cross around Mr.
Dale and over to the other side of the room and put the sticks down
with an slamming motion. A couple of the sticks begin to slide and I
quickly grab them and straighten them upright. Mr. Dale continues
asking me what's wrong. I continue to try and defuse the
conversation until my mood is calmer. Finally, after Mr. Dale's
continued attempts I look at my cell phone clock and say, “You know
what, I'm not going to have this conversation with you right now, I'm
going to go have some lunch and if you're lucky, I'll come back.”
I leave the Frame Factory at approximately 11:30 a.m.

12:00 p.m. I return from lunch and Adham is not to be found. As I walk
in, Mr. Dale enters from the doorway that leads from the next room
back and I cross past him and return to the work I had been doing prior to lunch. I pick up a magazine rack in the back room that I
understood should be in the front room and I pass by Mr. Dale as he
begins to follow behind me about five walking strides and then stops
in the doorway. He resumes asking me what's the matter. Once
again, I am resistant to answer the questions as I begin feeling
frustrated. I am focusing on the task I am doing and not looking at
Mr. Dale. He then states, “I'm talking to you!” My response, “I know, I'm listening and working.” At that moment, he raises his voice
and he states to me as he approaches me, “That's it, I've had it with
the both of you! (i.e. myself and Adham). Give me your key, I'll mail
you your check.” At that point, I look at Mr. Dale, as I hand him my
store key I ask, “Do you have any idea what you're doing?” Based
upon his aggressive tone and movement towards me, I turn and
walk behind the counter at which we are both standing. He remains
on the opposite side of the counter from me. I cross about six feet
away from him as we engage in the heated argument about how, in
his opinion, I'm somehow being 'manipulated' by Adham. I deny the
accusation. I bang my fists on the counter once and say, “No, If
anyone is trying to manipulate me in here, you are!” Mr. Dale
responds, “I don't accept that, I don't see that... no.” I reply, “I'm not
asking you, I'm telling you that is how I and, everyone else in here,
see it.” The argument comes to an end and Mr. Dale walks away, I
cross back towards the end of the counter closest to the door and
stand there for about two minutes stunned as to what has just
transpired. Nothing else is spoken between Mr. Dale and myself
after he walks away even though he does make two entrances and
exits from the store as I stand at the end of the counter. I grab my
belongings and leave the premises. The time is about 12:15 p.m.

January 21st Shortly after leaving the store on the 20th, I realize that I still have a
key to the company work van so I proceed to return it to Mr. Dale
at the Frame Factory the next day.

11:30 a.m. I approach the Frame Factory with the work van key in my hand.
I notice that Mr. Dale is next door talking with another tenant of the
shopping center, Mr. Barany (i.e. Barany's Window World). I open
the door and enter with the key in my right hand extended towards
Mr. Dale. I say, “Here is your van key.” He replies, “Thank you.” I
begin to turn away from him and walk away. He says, “Do you want
to talk about this?” I reply to Mr. Dale as I turn back to him, “Talk
about what?” I then turn and exit the store.

When I filed for my unemployment benefits on January 21st, 2009, via the Department of Workforce Development website, I was asked the reason for my termination. Based upon the options made available from the drop box, I selected 'insubordination' and yet, could not rationalize as it as being appropriate for this particular situation. In my opinion, all of the choices were inappropriate. In order to complete the online form, I had to make a selection. My choice would have been unprofessional management skills and implementation by Mr. Dale.
During my employment of just over nine years with the Frame Factory, Mr. Dale and I had disagreements and discussions. However, he never felt that he needed to have any sort of formal, documented disciplinary action in regard to my performance, behavior or customer service skills. In very rare instances would I exhibit a less than professional demeanor. My sense of humor would often times fuel such behavior. He maintained that my commitment to the business was very high, overall. In fact, Mr. Dale had expressed his appreciation to me on Saturday, January 17th, 2009, with regard to my efforts in helping with the moving and packing of the Frame Factory's equipment and inventory. The only informal review of my performance during my employment took place in February of 2000, three months after I was hired as the assistant manager by Mr. Dale. Mr. Dale will recall that after his review of me, I reviewed him as well. My review was very informal and was introduced in a humorous tone and yet, I did have serious observations and concerns about Mr. Dale's performance. Our reviews of one another were upbeat with the opportunity to make improvements.
It is my opinion that my termination on January 20th, 2009 had less to do with a clear and articulate thought process. In fact, I felt that it was a decision made in a moment of impulsive thought and haste. When we were sensible and rational we could and did discuss specific issues at the Frame Factory and would come to resolutions about how to address them in the future. Adham offered a different perspective that was in line with mine in many ways. However, I felt that the quality and quantity of Mr. Dale's ideas and proposals were declining. Also, on several occasions other employees including myself, would offer a suggestion and Mr. Dale's subtle sarcastic reply was, “Your opinion doesn't really matter.” These statements were disempowering and stifled my ideas and proposals as they were increasingly challenged and marginalized by Mr. Dale. Unfortunately, the communication shortfalls were growing in quantity, resulting in a deteriorating level of mutual respect for one another.
For a time, I was truly in my creative element and felt empowered and passionate about the work I contributed to the Frame Factory. I felt that empowerment was instilled upon me in the early period of my employment at the Frame Factory and in the remaining three to four years was gradually withdrawn as my knowledge and skills continued to develop.
Thank you for your time in this matter.
Respectfully,


Jody O. Thorla

'Prima Donna Theatre'

'Prima Donna Theatre'

Lina: You know, I think I have swine flu. It's not about meeting with the prodution hair designer, which I've arranged for 10:00 AM. tomorrow. (I hope I'm not toxic.) But I don't think I can make rehearsal tonight because of the infective agent. It's the bigger issue of who's running the show. That I have issues with a few casting decisions -- and have the bona fides to back them up -- I went along. My bad. I know that there are the issues of sponsors, donors, time spent etc., that go into things like a community theater. I'm still on the board of a similar company in NY. But the disruptive aspect of the prima donna who now apparently runs rehearsals and every thing else, is too much. Back when I was discussing who was cast, and he said, "Kirstin, of course," I had a reality gulp. Because in all my years of theater, she's the singularly most untalented person I've ever met. There were talented people who could have done Elaine in spades. But there are politics. And because I am a stranger to the local community, I'm sure they entered in. So we're stuck with a lemon. But I will not continue to tolerate her unprofessional attitude and comments, exacerbated by the director's insistence that she's beautiful and sexy (the only things that apparently sink in) and her offensive comments thereof. I expect that the swine flu will continue until there is at least a personal apology for her behavior. I wouldn't have militated for her replacement, except I belatedly found out that the rest of the cast finds her equally offensive. Sincerely, Lina

Lina: Oh, and please feel free to replace me, should my previous e-mail be offensive. One of the values of once having been a professional is knowing that one is not irreplacable. My goal is tempering someone who is running untrammeled in relation to the show, my not knowing why (tell me her husband is funding this, for example), and giving me a justification for dealing with someone so obnoxious, with support of the director, that it would even cause me to leave an Equity production, with money involved.

Lina...

Jody: I have forward this to Craig. It's out of my hands for the moment. I kindly do ask that you put aside these emotions and concerns and please attend this evening's rehearsal. Your presence is very important to the show. Thank you.

Lina: Of course it's out of your hands. But the issue remains the same. And until I have an apology for Kirstin's inappropiate behaviior and incredible narcissism, coupled by the most phenomenal lack of talent that ever put foot on stage, I will continue to have swine flu. Tonight is out. You have alternative resources. I expect that you'll access them. I will, if a replacement is not immediate, continue with my role if that doesn't happen,, I insist a guarantee that the person in question, with whom I'm expected to share a dressing room, be appropriately informed of her limited input -- unless she has expanded powers I was not made aware of, which also affect whether I should be part of this endeavor in this first place.

Oops, the director's calling. So maybe a different outcome. Sincerely, Lina

Jody: Good morning Lina, The director had shared with me that he understood that you were planning to attend last night's rehearsal. You were missed. I hope you're feeling better. Please let us know if you're planning on joining us this evening. Thank you.

Lina: Obviously there is a lack of communication. I'm waiting for a guarantee that little miss lack of talent has been firmly told that the world doesn't revolve around her -- and that if she retains that vision, she has been persuaded to keep it to herself. This is community theater' I would have believed it was driven by a desire to give (in this case) people a chance to laugh, feel, get outside of themselves for a few hours at a low cost. That is why I got involved. I will not participate in what instead is clearly one person's ego vehicle with the rest of us revolving around her. I signed on to do Arsenic, not the Kirstin show. Until it's clear that we're all in sync, I continue to be sick. What a nasty bug!

Lina: Okay, I'm over it. I'll be at rehearsal tonight.

Tales of a Thespian Junkie

Greetings once again. It seems that I forget about this blog (hence, the title of this entry). For anyone who knows me (and never sees or hears from me) I'm a theatre junkie. Not to be confused with a theatre geek. I'm always working on a production but, I don't know the technicals of it (i.e. a true geek, if you will). Still, that is something to aspire to and I will in time. Yes, I'm working to squeeze as much out of community theatre as I can possibly stand. I'm trying to be known as another one of those 'hardest working people in theatre' people so that there will always be something to look forward to while working on the current production. It seems to be working and I couldn't be happier (except for these brief 'downtimes' when that dark and ominous force enters my happy place... reality. DAMN!). Boredom can easily set in by the time I walk to my car after the cast party that follows the strike. Fortunately, I've been getting good at planning and scheduling in advance and even having some options to choose from. As I sit here and think back, it's incredible how the past nine years have just raced by and how I started by working a show doing props and not really knowing exactly what I was doing, to be quite honest, to getting cast applauses, 'Thank You' cards and gifts for doing everything that I have done to help make these productions the great successes that they have been. That appreciation from all directions has been one of the driving forces and the motivation to continue doing as much community theatre as I can do. The other HUGE benefit has been all you you, who I've had the pleasure to work with and become friends over the years. It's been an amazing journey... 2010 will be the best year yet (already at four shows and counting). Better. Stronger. Faster. Peace.

2010: First Contact

I promised to return and I have (just not as quickly as I had intended). The end of the year brought closure to a couple of situations in my life that needed closure. I got up on top of that building where my father's shop used to reside and proceeded to scatter his ashes... he's home, where he really needed to be (and not in my kitchen cabinet in a plastic container). Lisa Andrzejewski, someone I had just met, joined me up there and made a very difficult thing in my life, a little bit easier. I owe her more than she would ever care to know (and yes, Karl made it possible by bringing a ladder... deep sincere kudos to him as well). I love them both for their strength and support and for being friends over the span of this life (old and new). The other was the one year celebration of being liberated from the Frame Factory. I still know that all that transpired since the day I was let go has been the best time of my life. Theatre dominated my world and helped to keep me grounded when others might have gone crazy with the 'all play and no work' that I had been doing. Things are now beginning to turn for the better. Time and space from the past has been very good for me and my view of the world (and yes, made me even more aware of it's weaknesses and it's strengths). I thank my parents for giving me the clear sense and broad shoulders to be able to bear all that has come my way. It's been quite a rocket ride. ZOOM! Peace.

A Year in a Life...

Alot has happened. Dad dies. I become an unemployment statistic (and enjoying every minute of it, thank you very much). Theatre dominates my life. I am well. I am content and at peace with my little world. More to come... stay tuned in... Peace.

Inside Out of Me... Daddy-O's Cancer

I'm in an emotional tug-of-war at the moment. Daddy-O's cancer seems to be winning and he's about to do something that is incredibly stupid at this point (and the doctor's agreed to it). The current, stronger chemo drug he's been taken has been weened out of his system so he can go see a nascar race??? What the FUCK??? Emphasis on the FUCK part of that. In addition to that, the chemo that they want him to resume to do battle with the thumb-sized cancer in his lung, he has decided to not take again. I understand both sides of the situation. He has been fighting cancer for two years now and he is exhausted. Unfortunately, it continues to rear it's cell killing self again and again. The other side is that if he were to continue the fight, he would be completely exhausted and virtually immobilized by 'the treatment'. His world would come crashing down and hence, would remove his single motivation to continue living... his business. *Sigh* I have to re-establish my arms length distance with the situation otherwise, I risk going into my own downward emotional spiral. That simply cannot happen. I can feel for him and I will grieve when that time comes but, he's here and so am I. I am being constantly reminded that I have to live my life to it's fullest. Life in the broad view is very short. I cannot allow his past choices to influence my present and future. Yet, I know he's preparing for that day. Last weekend, the uncle and I had a couple of conversations over dinner and that was my first knowledge of his situation and the inpending question: Will he continue to fight the cancer? I got that answer on friday in so many terms unspoken when he gave me a key to his place that he rents just over the state line in Michigan. It was a 'No', of course. Even so, he's making an incredible mistake in cutting back on the chemo meds now for a far less important purpose. I've developed a keen sense for those 'signs' that most people realize in hindsight... and it sucks (sort of)! The signals are crossing and he's in the crossfire and will ultimately lose by his own conscious choice. As we looked at each other on friday, when he caught my stare, we both nodded our heads. We understand one another better than we care to admit to one another verbally, in who we are and in our bloodline. I hope he does go peacefully when he goes. His time left here has been terribly brutal on his body and mind. I hope that things do not fall on the tenth anniversary of mom's death (april 29th, 2009) but, it could actually happen that way. Tomorrow never knows as always. This is where things will begin going south for him. I am still in awe of the power of those dried tabacco leaf pieces and the paper wrapped around them... the power they have over the human will. Size really does not matter. The cigarette is mightier than the person that puffs away on it and in turn, puffs away the life of that person. Powerful.

Curious...

... something's happening in the undertow... I don't know what it is but it's there and it's coming.

Memories for Mom

Mother's Day. I think back to those days around my mother's passing and all that whirlwind of what felt like a tornado (at least in my head). I also find myself recalling the moments of clarity and the things that I had said to various family and friends. One conversation that comes to mind today relates to the question posed to myself: What do you miss the most about her? To look at this question on the screen of my computer... I wonder how one could answer that question in the context of the time in which all of that chaos was occurring. I remember my answer... ' I miss her for the future as much as a I miss her now'. All the changes that life puts to each of us and that in the progression of time we change our perspective on the world and upon ourselves too. I often wonder how my life would have been different had she recovered and lived on. Do I wish her back? Yes and no. I miss her for all times and changes in my life that have occurred over the past nine years. I do not in order to save her from he suffrage of her final few years. I've had some lowdown moments and some very heartfelt moments. I do miss her for the future. She saw me out of the nest per say but, not to far out of it. I know that if she were still here, she would indeed be quite proud of her son. This I do know.

From the middle east to the west side to inside of me

Well, how's that for travel? If only it had happened. It is my 'travels' from finishing up 'The Arabian Nights' to gearing up to start on the summer musical, 'West Side Story'. Our first production meeting will be on saturday, May 10th at the theatre. I'm looking forward to working on what shall be the largest cast/production to be staged on SBCT's mainstage. I'm already mentally preparing myself to start casting my search for a full stage crew including at least two onstage managers and at least a runner/stage crew person assigned to each of us. I want this to be 'the shit' in terms of a crew and how we operate behind the scenes to make the performers shine out there onstage. Auditions will take place on May 19th & 2oth (possibly the 21st). Rehearsals will probably begin the first of June once all the students are out of school and home for the summer. I've become aware that there will be a great turnout for the auditions just based on the limited buzz about the show that I have been hearing. That is my life in the world today.
Tomorrow will be what would have been my mother's sixty-second birthday, May 5th, 1946. This year marks the ninth anniversary of her passing, April 29th, 1999. This year seems to have had less of an obvious effect upon me. I think about her constantly. Perhaps, that it why I'm not as affected by these days as I have been in the past. Yes, they are very relavant to me and I still get worked up about it when I really focus my thoughts on the morning she passed on as I stood at her bedside as she struggled for the hour and ten minutes that she did so before dying. Those images in my mind only reinforce my views to keep doing everything that I can to live a full and content life...one day, will come and I will be gone as well. I pay homage to her in doing and being the person that I hope she had hoped me to be. I smile. I am. This I know in my heart to be so. I still miss her for the future... all the things that she has not or will not ever see. 'Everything Works Out' is still true as it was back then. That is one change that is constant as well. 'I love you too, Mom'.

Enviornmentally Conscientious

I'm back on a serious note... Recycling is the topic. I have been doing just that for fourteen years now. I actually dispose of one thirteen gallon trash every four months (I know, sounds kind of gross, doesn't it?). Not really, if everyone would take environment situation more seriously, we would have a far better place to leave behind for future generations of all life on this planet. It's a very compelling thing for me to do to help that happen. Unfortunately, when I was loading my car up with all the recyclables and headed down the short drive to the bin. I open up the bin and see virtually no one else's recyclables in the bin... I sighed with utter disgust at the sight of an empty recycle container (aside from my filling about a quarter of it with mine). What is the matter with us? Do we not fully realize that we are quickly turning this planet into a giant trash heap? It's amazing how ignorant people are (or perhaps, they simply do not care for only the simple reason that, 'hey, why should I care... I won't be here when it all comes down on us'). Really? Are you sure? I ask you to think about your children and your friends with children every time you throw that so called 'trash' away. Who's going to pay for your mistake, now? Think about the future. I say all this not being married or have my own children... and I do care what happens to YOUR children and their future. Recycle... Recycle... Recycle. (and then keep doing it... teach them to do the same for their children). Instill in them the values that we've given no regard to and the reason why we are in the disaster we are all in now. Bring about change at home.

Constant is Change

I've had a good week of down time and... I'm bored... again. I needed this time to do some of the things that I've been neglecting (i.e. laundry, planning my automotive repairs and getting ready for the next big thing with the theatre, ICTL Festival. Auditions for both 'Arabian Nights' and 'School House Rock' are this coming monday and tuesday. I'm tentatively going to help with 'Nights'. The tentative part of that is the fact that the director has yet to accept my offer to help. If, for some reasons that may be revealed to me over dinner on tuesday or wednesday, that I am not a part of that production, I shall inquire with one that is in the rehearsal process at this writing, 'Unexpected Guest' or see if I can jump on board with the director of 'School House Rock' in some way(s). We'll see. When I was out picking up lunch today, I spoke with a dear theatre friend of mine and he shared with me that one of the cast members from 'Man of LaMancha' is searching for individuals to play the roles of famous historical americans for school children. One would need to read a couple of books on that particular person and create a dialogue/scripted presentation of that historian. It sounds interesting. I'm not terribly big on american based historians but, it would be a paying gig. That does make it sound interesting. Apparently, my name was brought up in this conversation and when I was asked about it today I said I would possibly be interested in it. I might get a call from my former co-cast member this week about it. I'm going to hold out giving an answer until I know where I stand with these other possibilities. It could be a great opportunity to get some performance time under my belt. I need it. I've got a great many goals for myself in 2008 with regards to my theatre work. I will learn to operate either or possibly both lights and sound operation (perhaps even, programming them as well). The director of 'West Side Story' has indicated that I'm being considered for the stage manager for the show this summer. I'll need an on-stage manager as well. If things go as I hope they will, I will be running either lights or sound for the show as well... that's my intention, at least. Here I go again.
Work, on the other hand, has been quite slow so, my active theatre work will keep me in an active state of mind from a creative perspective. I did just finish up a Steeler's football jersey sign by Bettis and designed a nice collage arrangement of patches and a Sports Illustrated cover in with the jersey. While I could not give two shits about the subject matter, it did come out looking the way I had envisioned it to be... AWESOME! It was a labour-intensive project but well worth the time spent (even though it wasn't exactly challenging other than getting the desired effect of matting around the patches and the magazine cover). The construction of it was quite easy. Things do tend to work out quite well when I plan and design things with some prefaced thought. This one is another example of that. Time takes time.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

That pretty much sums it up. 'Forum' closed on sunday afternoon and we strike the set and had a healthy portion of the cast at hacienda for one last cast dinner party. It was another great show and I enjoyed that 'good stress' that theatre gives to me. I noticed though, and so have a few other people, that I slipped up on a few occasions and did not perform all of the responsibilities that I should perform. It does bother me when I let people down. I try to do the best I can but, I do make mistakes and I do hear about them (and I do hate making them). I am human. The break between shows will certainly do me some good. I have other things to attend to that I have not made the time to do... like... laundry (there goes an entire day). I am awaiting my tax returns which I should have by mid-february, at the latest. That money and the money I have from my annual bonus from the shop will go towards the next credit card pay off and into the car for some much needed repairs. I've spoiled myself and little bit with about five hundred dollars of it. I'm keeping myself reigned in much better now that I ever have. My discipline has evolved into being more aware of my spending. It's all good.
I keep thinking about what I'm going to do next. That 'bug' for theatre has become a frickin' 'hive'. My drive to do all that I can while I can is working full steam. I think about the experiences that I might miss out on and I re-motivate myself to get back into the thick of it again. The fact that I know I will come home and spend time on here, typing out my feelings and thoughts is some form of release and something that keeps my mind active. It's my mind that wants to keep my body in action. I'm very glad I discovered theatre. I hope that it continues to be my major outlet of creative process in the future as well. I just need to regulate myself and make sure that I do not over-commit myself to too many things at one time. The reality this time was that the demands of 'Forum' on me were not excessive but, when topped off with my thumb in recovery and the holiday stress at work. It did have a negative effect upon me. I need these next couple of weeks to regain myself and gear up for the next show. And now, a little rest and relaxation. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

My Emotional Wall

I have spent the better part of my adult life single (come to think of it, I managed to be single in my youth as well). It seems that as of late, I find myself allured by the fairness of the opposite sex. I still worry that the reality of my life and who I am mat be a detraction to people. I know that we all have some variation of 'baggage' in our lives but, I do believe that another person's perception of my life may not be what they want to allow into their life. While all things change, we do tend to focus on the present and make decisions and yes, pass judgement on others for what we feel to be acceptable or unacceptable based upon those perceptions. I have the sense that it may be closer to me now than ever before... romance. It's been almost a decade since I left these emotions to lay and rest. It is indeed true, love does change one's perspective from take to give in this life. I have lived without someone else there for so long that I may be growing into the lifestyle that I unconsciously shall remain single for the lack of desire to be anything but single. I want this to change... soon.

Magic and Loss

A title to a Lou Reed album that came out, I believe, in the early nineteen ninties. The last couple of days I've been introspective about how I relate to others and how fortunate I am to have the life I do have. Today, as an example, I ushered for the theatre and in the course of it came in a group of ladies (three little ones with their moms) and they all were dressed in their sunday best. One in particular caught my attention. She was the tallest and perhaps the oldest. She wore glasses and just had a sweet disposition about her. I found myself looking at her and reflecting back to when I was much younger and how life was this big wonderous thing out there and I had someone holding my hand, walking me through those days. I think that kids get to have the biggest adventures. They get to experience the world with eyes opened wide. Simple pleasures of life. I sometimes get caught up in the grown up world that I forget about the 'little ones' coming up. They are a constant reminder that while being a grown up is cool. Being a kid is truly our golden years in life (with a big smile). I miss being a daddy at this stage of my life. I don't miss being a husband. Kind of makes both impossible. Without one, the odds on the other one aren't very promising. Tomorrow never knows.

What 'Love' is not...

I was doing my laundry down the street and in walks this couple who appeared to be about in their early forties (possibly late thirties with a very stressful life) and they proceed to launder. At least she did. I just continued to fold clothes and just listen and observe their character and communication traits. As I listened to their conversation, I realized that this small woman came across to me as being very uncomfortable and insecure. While the man was not terribly supportive (or even helpful with the laundry) he came across as not being too terribly bright in the bulbs. I understand more so now that some people tend to use love as an excuse to get married. Love should be unconditional regardless of one's marital status. What I was witnessing today was something not that came from love. It came from desperation. Some use love to get married to escape their loneliness and do it more so for that escape clause factor and less for love. It was a bit trying to listen to them as she talked to him and listening to him respond back to her with indifference or idiocy. She would speak in kind tone in one moment and be very short-fused in the next. He was the typical male that thinks of a woman as a possession and she probably was raised within that belief system as well. This quiet desperation in her every movement and word spoken. His almost completely non-existent emotions would probably only allow for him to emotionally react to... ANYTHING with some level of decency and understanding for this small woman. I fail to comprehend how one allows them self to be that demoralizing to another person and that other person simply accepts it in. I was disgusted by what I was witnessing between these two people. In those moments. I realized that people fail and ruin love by getting married and setting some definition of what 'love' should be to and for them.

My BAD Seven Year Habit

So... How was your weekend? Mine was just peachy (sarcastically). Locked myself in the frame shop went into 'productive mode' and proceeded to cut forty-nine frames that we're building for a commercial project in Illinois. Slept in on sunday (obviously). Saturday, I went to the service/viewing for a theatre friend who died last weekend. Sunday was the memorial that the theatre hosted. Then came today, monday, got up to do my weekly volunteering at the theatre and I was quiet for the first couple of hours and then I started coming around. I'm helping with the set for 'A Christmas Carol'. Well, I was working on the one flat that needed some pieces cut to fill some of the gaps up above the doorway. I had cut some strips to create a framework for the board I was going to use on the face. So yeah, I'm using the table saw and cutting this one piece down and in a split second distraction, BAM!. The board is pulled through the saw faster than I had realized and I managed to get my right thumb pulled into the blade. Sound nasty? It is. It cut into the top of my thumb about halfway in and just above the top knuckle. I was swearing (and bleeding) profusely. I was rushed down to the mid-level / dressing room bathroom to run water over it and see to the extent of the damage. It was not pretty. One of the other volunteers working there was kind enough to get me over to the emergency room. The staff there took some x-rays (cut about halfway in... actually cut the tip of my thumb bone). and the spin on the saw managed to tear up a fair amount of flesh on the ball of my thumb pretty good. They numbed it up, cleaned it up and stitched me up and sent me on my way. So, for the time being, I have this bulky, gauze wrapped thumb that looks like one of Mickey Mouse's gloved fingers. It's not fun looking at all. I am learning quickly how useful the thumb is (in light of the fact that I can't really use this one for a while) in my daily life. Fortunately, I'm left handed so, this will not cause me to write like a two year old. It's reminding me that it's definitely there and while it doesn't hurt terribly, it kind of throbs. While it doesn't seem too bad (feeling) now, I can't wait until tomorrow (or, the next day). When this all happened, all I could think was how STUPID I was for that half a second... and this is what I get for it. Pain, inconvenience and my personal favorite, the medical bills and all the red tape crap that comes with it. It was said to me that the theatre would 'do something' to assist in that regard so, I'll talk with them tomorrow or wednesday and see what that 'something' is. Like every place of business and organization they have to have liability insurance for accidents that occur on their property. I'll find out more on that in the days to come. All I can say is, DAMN!!!

Indifference With Love

Something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember... my indifference to love. Now, don't misunderstand this as a 'cry for help' kind of situation. It's more of a specific part of the makeup of who I am as a human being (yes, this may get deep and a bit confusing, so bear with me as I navigate these still waters). Most days, it's more of a positive feeling or self-preservation. Other times, well, it's quite selfish and at odds with most people's way of thinking and carrying on. Either way, this does convey to others a certain level of indifference that has many sides to it (too many to explore here in one blog entry, it's a lifelong process). I tend to be drawn to experiences and people who seem to be much the same. I think there is a great deal of the 'me' notion going through society on the whole. We latch on to that feeling of detachment and peeling away of feeling. We want the the right thing only right now and can let go of it as quickly as it comes upon us (and sure, you can and should change the 'we' in all of these sentences to 'I' or 'me' if you feel the desire... after all, it is my blog entry). These are my thoughts and perceptions and they certainly apply to myself as well and the general population. There is also this 'nesting' characteristic taking place (growing older, I would imagine) that is removing my inclination to change the 'nest' to allow anyone else into it. I have always struggled with this part of my character, sharing myself and the muscle pounding away inside my ribcage. Yet, I long for the affections of a young lady (and that does change on a daily, sometimes by minute basis). I think to myself what would it be like if there was someone to wake up to every morning and lay down with every night. I'm excited by the romantic notions of love but, not the love itself. Superficial? Perhaps so. I am very extroverted when I'm out and about with friends and I would like to think I'm fairly sociable (even attractive or so I dare say). Even this afternoon, someone with whom I have an alluring attraction to is still, in my eyes, beyond my grasp emotionally. I have this affinity to younger ladies than myself (and physically attractive plays a role in that very much so... even though 'attractive' to me has been a wide and varying range). Attractive is more of an embodiment of many obvious traits and many invisible traits that attracts each of us to one another. Attraction transcends numerous characteristics (damn, I'm talking in what an old flame called 'circles' again). I want Love. A romantic, siren song, comfortable feeling love that doesn't become too comfortable. One that challenges each of us in ways that makes the love stronger and enduring. Love that makes the end of the day calming as the morning that shines upon our faces. I want that 'EveryDayDream' that I had written in poetic verse some time ago (poetry.com... look it up, you'll understand what I mean). I want to overcome this indifference and become someone else's purpose as much I want that from her... whomever that may be. Life is still good... it can only get better.