Inside Out of Me... Daddy-O's Cancer

I'm in an emotional tug-of-war at the moment. Daddy-O's cancer seems to be winning and he's about to do something that is incredibly stupid at this point (and the doctor's agreed to it). The current, stronger chemo drug he's been taken has been weened out of his system so he can go see a nascar race??? What the FUCK??? Emphasis on the FUCK part of that. In addition to that, the chemo that they want him to resume to do battle with the thumb-sized cancer in his lung, he has decided to not take again. I understand both sides of the situation. He has been fighting cancer for two years now and he is exhausted. Unfortunately, it continues to rear it's cell killing self again and again. The other side is that if he were to continue the fight, he would be completely exhausted and virtually immobilized by 'the treatment'. His world would come crashing down and hence, would remove his single motivation to continue living... his business. *Sigh* I have to re-establish my arms length distance with the situation otherwise, I risk going into my own downward emotional spiral. That simply cannot happen. I can feel for him and I will grieve when that time comes but, he's here and so am I. I am being constantly reminded that I have to live my life to it's fullest. Life in the broad view is very short. I cannot allow his past choices to influence my present and future. Yet, I know he's preparing for that day. Last weekend, the uncle and I had a couple of conversations over dinner and that was my first knowledge of his situation and the inpending question: Will he continue to fight the cancer? I got that answer on friday in so many terms unspoken when he gave me a key to his place that he rents just over the state line in Michigan. It was a 'No', of course. Even so, he's making an incredible mistake in cutting back on the chemo meds now for a far less important purpose. I've developed a keen sense for those 'signs' that most people realize in hindsight... and it sucks (sort of)! The signals are crossing and he's in the crossfire and will ultimately lose by his own conscious choice. As we looked at each other on friday, when he caught my stare, we both nodded our heads. We understand one another better than we care to admit to one another verbally, in who we are and in our bloodline. I hope he does go peacefully when he goes. His time left here has been terribly brutal on his body and mind. I hope that things do not fall on the tenth anniversary of mom's death (april 29th, 2009) but, it could actually happen that way. Tomorrow never knows as always. This is where things will begin going south for him. I am still in awe of the power of those dried tabacco leaf pieces and the paper wrapped around them... the power they have over the human will. Size really does not matter. The cigarette is mightier than the person that puffs away on it and in turn, puffs away the life of that person. Powerful.

Curious...

... something's happening in the undertow... I don't know what it is but it's there and it's coming.

Memories for Mom

Mother's Day. I think back to those days around my mother's passing and all that whirlwind of what felt like a tornado (at least in my head). I also find myself recalling the moments of clarity and the things that I had said to various family and friends. One conversation that comes to mind today relates to the question posed to myself: What do you miss the most about her? To look at this question on the screen of my computer... I wonder how one could answer that question in the context of the time in which all of that chaos was occurring. I remember my answer... ' I miss her for the future as much as a I miss her now'. All the changes that life puts to each of us and that in the progression of time we change our perspective on the world and upon ourselves too. I often wonder how my life would have been different had she recovered and lived on. Do I wish her back? Yes and no. I miss her for all times and changes in my life that have occurred over the past nine years. I do not in order to save her from he suffrage of her final few years. I've had some lowdown moments and some very heartfelt moments. I do miss her for the future. She saw me out of the nest per say but, not to far out of it. I know that if she were still here, she would indeed be quite proud of her son. This I do know.

From the middle east to the west side to inside of me

Well, how's that for travel? If only it had happened. It is my 'travels' from finishing up 'The Arabian Nights' to gearing up to start on the summer musical, 'West Side Story'. Our first production meeting will be on saturday, May 10th at the theatre. I'm looking forward to working on what shall be the largest cast/production to be staged on SBCT's mainstage. I'm already mentally preparing myself to start casting my search for a full stage crew including at least two onstage managers and at least a runner/stage crew person assigned to each of us. I want this to be 'the shit' in terms of a crew and how we operate behind the scenes to make the performers shine out there onstage. Auditions will take place on May 19th & 2oth (possibly the 21st). Rehearsals will probably begin the first of June once all the students are out of school and home for the summer. I've become aware that there will be a great turnout for the auditions just based on the limited buzz about the show that I have been hearing. That is my life in the world today.
Tomorrow will be what would have been my mother's sixty-second birthday, May 5th, 1946. This year marks the ninth anniversary of her passing, April 29th, 1999. This year seems to have had less of an obvious effect upon me. I think about her constantly. Perhaps, that it why I'm not as affected by these days as I have been in the past. Yes, they are very relavant to me and I still get worked up about it when I really focus my thoughts on the morning she passed on as I stood at her bedside as she struggled for the hour and ten minutes that she did so before dying. Those images in my mind only reinforce my views to keep doing everything that I can to live a full and content life...one day, will come and I will be gone as well. I pay homage to her in doing and being the person that I hope she had hoped me to be. I smile. I am. This I know in my heart to be so. I still miss her for the future... all the things that she has not or will not ever see. 'Everything Works Out' is still true as it was back then. That is one change that is constant as well. 'I love you too, Mom'.

Enviornmentally Conscientious

I'm back on a serious note... Recycling is the topic. I have been doing just that for fourteen years now. I actually dispose of one thirteen gallon trash every four months (I know, sounds kind of gross, doesn't it?). Not really, if everyone would take environment situation more seriously, we would have a far better place to leave behind for future generations of all life on this planet. It's a very compelling thing for me to do to help that happen. Unfortunately, when I was loading my car up with all the recyclables and headed down the short drive to the bin. I open up the bin and see virtually no one else's recyclables in the bin... I sighed with utter disgust at the sight of an empty recycle container (aside from my filling about a quarter of it with mine). What is the matter with us? Do we not fully realize that we are quickly turning this planet into a giant trash heap? It's amazing how ignorant people are (or perhaps, they simply do not care for only the simple reason that, 'hey, why should I care... I won't be here when it all comes down on us'). Really? Are you sure? I ask you to think about your children and your friends with children every time you throw that so called 'trash' away. Who's going to pay for your mistake, now? Think about the future. I say all this not being married or have my own children... and I do care what happens to YOUR children and their future. Recycle... Recycle... Recycle. (and then keep doing it... teach them to do the same for their children). Instill in them the values that we've given no regard to and the reason why we are in the disaster we are all in now. Bring about change at home.

Constant is Change

I've had a good week of down time and... I'm bored... again. I needed this time to do some of the things that I've been neglecting (i.e. laundry, planning my automotive repairs and getting ready for the next big thing with the theatre, ICTL Festival. Auditions for both 'Arabian Nights' and 'School House Rock' are this coming monday and tuesday. I'm tentatively going to help with 'Nights'. The tentative part of that is the fact that the director has yet to accept my offer to help. If, for some reasons that may be revealed to me over dinner on tuesday or wednesday, that I am not a part of that production, I shall inquire with one that is in the rehearsal process at this writing, 'Unexpected Guest' or see if I can jump on board with the director of 'School House Rock' in some way(s). We'll see. When I was out picking up lunch today, I spoke with a dear theatre friend of mine and he shared with me that one of the cast members from 'Man of LaMancha' is searching for individuals to play the roles of famous historical americans for school children. One would need to read a couple of books on that particular person and create a dialogue/scripted presentation of that historian. It sounds interesting. I'm not terribly big on american based historians but, it would be a paying gig. That does make it sound interesting. Apparently, my name was brought up in this conversation and when I was asked about it today I said I would possibly be interested in it. I might get a call from my former co-cast member this week about it. I'm going to hold out giving an answer until I know where I stand with these other possibilities. It could be a great opportunity to get some performance time under my belt. I need it. I've got a great many goals for myself in 2008 with regards to my theatre work. I will learn to operate either or possibly both lights and sound operation (perhaps even, programming them as well). The director of 'West Side Story' has indicated that I'm being considered for the stage manager for the show this summer. I'll need an on-stage manager as well. If things go as I hope they will, I will be running either lights or sound for the show as well... that's my intention, at least. Here I go again.
Work, on the other hand, has been quite slow so, my active theatre work will keep me in an active state of mind from a creative perspective. I did just finish up a Steeler's football jersey sign by Bettis and designed a nice collage arrangement of patches and a Sports Illustrated cover in with the jersey. While I could not give two shits about the subject matter, it did come out looking the way I had envisioned it to be... AWESOME! It was a labour-intensive project but well worth the time spent (even though it wasn't exactly challenging other than getting the desired effect of matting around the patches and the magazine cover). The construction of it was quite easy. Things do tend to work out quite well when I plan and design things with some prefaced thought. This one is another example of that. Time takes time.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

That pretty much sums it up. 'Forum' closed on sunday afternoon and we strike the set and had a healthy portion of the cast at hacienda for one last cast dinner party. It was another great show and I enjoyed that 'good stress' that theatre gives to me. I noticed though, and so have a few other people, that I slipped up on a few occasions and did not perform all of the responsibilities that I should perform. It does bother me when I let people down. I try to do the best I can but, I do make mistakes and I do hear about them (and I do hate making them). I am human. The break between shows will certainly do me some good. I have other things to attend to that I have not made the time to do... like... laundry (there goes an entire day). I am awaiting my tax returns which I should have by mid-february, at the latest. That money and the money I have from my annual bonus from the shop will go towards the next credit card pay off and into the car for some much needed repairs. I've spoiled myself and little bit with about five hundred dollars of it. I'm keeping myself reigned in much better now that I ever have. My discipline has evolved into being more aware of my spending. It's all good.
I keep thinking about what I'm going to do next. That 'bug' for theatre has become a frickin' 'hive'. My drive to do all that I can while I can is working full steam. I think about the experiences that I might miss out on and I re-motivate myself to get back into the thick of it again. The fact that I know I will come home and spend time on here, typing out my feelings and thoughts is some form of release and something that keeps my mind active. It's my mind that wants to keep my body in action. I'm very glad I discovered theatre. I hope that it continues to be my major outlet of creative process in the future as well. I just need to regulate myself and make sure that I do not over-commit myself to too many things at one time. The reality this time was that the demands of 'Forum' on me were not excessive but, when topped off with my thumb in recovery and the holiday stress at work. It did have a negative effect upon me. I need these next couple of weeks to regain myself and gear up for the next show. And now, a little rest and relaxation. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.