Le Vie En Rose

It's been quite some time since a film has made such an impact upon me. The Edith Piaf biopic (at the Browning Cinema) was simply a tour de force work of cinema. It drew the full range of emotions throughout. Marion's performance of Piaf was stellar. The story of her life's work is something to be revered by all who find pleasure (as I do) in music. I've yet to acquire a recording of hers but, that will certainly happen now. This is the one element of music that still takes me by surprize. It's ability to draw me in and simply enjoy it. I care not for where it comes, so long as it comes and plays. Her passion, as with anyone's passion, draws and shares inspiration to share one's talents and abilities with those who are willing to take in all in. Edith Piaf... a legend.

'12 A.M.' to 'Glass Figurines'

On Wednesday, I received a call back from the director of '12 a.m. (psst, 12 Angry Men) and went in to read once again. Once again, I felt good about how it went over all (the director did as well, I was told today). He called this afternoon to let me know that he had cast the show. I almost made the cut for juror #5 but, as he put it, '...someone else just edged you out for that part...'. A bit disheartened am I? Well, just a little but, you know what? I was thrilled that I was chosen for call backs on Thursday. He felt that my portrayal of that character was very good and that he certainly saw my ability and that is just as important to me as getting a role. It creates a reference point for the future that may allow me to be cast for something else in another production. It was suggested that I try out for 'A Christmas Carol' and think I will do so. The auditioning process is a bit uneasy for me but, not in a way that distracts me from my purpose... to audition. It's simply a necessary tension that in some cases, causes an auditioner to either cave or climb out and give a great audition. I gave two nights of great auditions. I will try again for 'A Christmas Carol' (probably in October).

On the other side, and this is a good thing, I will be helping with another show for SBCT, Tennessee Williams 'The Glass Menagerie' in the latter part of October with another director/friend. We talked back in April when I was stage managing for her for 'Zombies From the Beyond' and I will be at least stage managing if not assistant directing with her. So, I have something to do this fall regardless. Actually, in many ways, it will be more fun working with her show than 'Jurors' simply for the fact that we have a good friendship with one another. I'm looking forward to it, again.

One last note, non-theatre related. I went out for dinner this evening and saw a customer of the shop with whom we've done a number of pieces for over the last oh... five years. Well the last time he was in he looked very different. So much so I nobody recognized him... until he spoke. Some people have a very distinctive voice (much the same can be said of singers). Anyway, he was diagnosed with cancer about four months earlier and was going through chemo at the time (and he looked it too). Well, it was a bit disheartening when I asked this gentleman, '... do you have a son named Glenn Teer?... He responded, '...I am Glenn Teer'. He looked twenty years older in light of the treatments. Fast forward to this afternoon. I walked into 'Las Esperanza' for dinner and who I see... Glenn! We recognize one another and exchange greetings. He's doing and looking well these days. He said in parting, 'everyday that I can get up and enjoy another day is a good day'. I responded with, 'everyday above ground is a good day'. We agreed. It felt good again today... I am still above ground.

Loves Labour Lost

Tonight, I'm reminded of my independence and the sacrifice I continue to carry with me... well, just me. I think about love and devotion to another and it leaves me feeling trapped in this life that I've created of being alone. Most of the time, I'm content with my life. Other, rare occasions, I feel disconnected from everyone in the vicinity. I encounter these beautiful women and they're happy, beautiful and (usually) married. I look and talk with them and I think to myself, I'd do almost anything to be with someone like her. The one's that seem to be attracted to me are not what I feel meet my expectations (and yes, looks are important. Anyone who tells you otherwise, is lying) and naturally the ones that seem to find me attractive are the ones that I would prefer not to be involved with... plain and simple. Yet tonight, I find myself wanting that closeness and affection from a woman that simply wants to be with me as much I want to be there with her. I'm not, again. I am a hard line critic of anyone who falls short of my expectations of her. Is that fair? Probably not so much but, that's just me. Marriage still does nothing for me. It's an interesting concept but, in practice, it seems rather miserable to live up to. I believe in love unconditionally. That means that I do not accept the 'rules' that we place upon the emotion of love (i.e. marriage and all the process that we confine love with). In making that choice, to love openly, I will surely shy away far more women than not (unless, I become 'famous'. Oh well, their loss (and perhaps, mine as well until we meet one another). Love is not a mistake. Marriage and the conventions of what we define as love to another person are. Virtually every other species is more accepting to these lack of parameters, why are we so 'special'??? Who knows, it could happen, in due course.

12 Angry Mammals Audition

Enjoyable. That's my first impression of the auditioning process (and it stands). Sure, it can be a stressful environment but, you know, if one goes into it with a focused goal (i.e. giving your best audition) the rest has no bearing. I felt myself going into that mode that I've experienced onstage. You get into character and have fun with it. I'm enjoying the 'being someone else' that makes it fun to delve into a character. In terms of 12.A.M., I was placed in the 'Foreman/Juror #1 role and Juror #2 role. How did I do? I felt comfortable with the roles and feel that considering that I went into with only one viewing of the teleplay, I fared pretty well. That's not to suggest that I think I'll get a call back. I just felt, personally, that I gave a good audition. I'm going back to read again on Tuesday if I'm not too tired from hanging the pictures for student activities on campus. Call backs will be on Thursday. I'm hopeful that I hear back. If I don't, that's fine as well. I put it down on my sign-in information sheet that I have a possible opportunity to work on 'Glass Menagerie' on the main stage in the stage manager/asst. director position if I I don't get a call back. It's important to me that I am being an active member of the theatre and that simply put means that I will do just that, be active. I understand that there is a balance of 'need' between a director and a performer... we need each other. If, in the director's view, that I didn't give the kind of performance that was their expectation that doesn't mean that I gave a poor rehearsal. It means, to me, that perhaps they have a specific preconceived notion of a character portrayal. Maybe they don't choose a person for a number of different reasons. I felt good about the night, I hope I conveyed that in my audition performance as well.

On a side note, I shared with Mr. C. my intention to be an extra set of hands for the set building for 'Buddy'. He was pleased and of course, discouraging me from really having to do that. SBCT has my focus and desire to help it be a great community theatre. It's great that I've found and environment that allows me to delve into my creative mode and enjoy it at the same time. I take it seriously and, on some levels, not all, personally. It reminds me of how I felt when I started custom framing all those years ago. Intriguing. Framing is my expression of my serious business side and theatre... well, it's about designing and building sets. It's about creating character and investing one's personal experiences into a persona that is not one's original design. A few years back I perceived some of the theatre people as being these great people that I couldn't relate to. My how things have changed. Now, many are good friends. I know, I'm going all squishy again but, you know, it's how I feel. I raise my organic mango juice bottle in 'cheers' to all of those friends that I've come to know in that last several years through the theatre. Another GOOD day above ground.

The Work Ethic

I've come to this realization as of just recently. I enjoy being active and productive. I do also enjoy my 'down time' as well. A man of extremes would be me. I've been accustomed to working two jobs since '93. That was when I was working at the grocery and at the independent music store (Martins and Tracks Records, respectively). Even today, while it's not a paying job, the theatre has provided me with an outlet by which I'm able to channel my energy into being productive and creative as well. When I'm 'down', it's usually quite the boring time as well. That seems to come on mucher sooner than in years past... my boredom. I need to be doing more with the theatre (and these days, I'm doing quite a bit, for a volunteer). Speaking of which, I'll be returning to my active status with the theatre as of tomorrow. I'm auditioning for '12 Angry (mammals) Men'. I'll be going into the audition cold. I think that will be easier for me to get myself psyched up for it. I expect to see a number of familiar faces at the audition. It's been asked of me if I feel nervous about auditioning... not especially. Reason, I go into it with a clear mind and the realization that I do want a couple of particular jurors but, the director my very well see me more suited to another juror role. Perhaps, the director may not call me back. That does not mean that I'm a lousy auditioner. It probably means that I'm not their 'vision' of a particular role. There will be a next time I'm sure... as always. If in the event I'm not called back for '12', there will always be the 'Glass' I have an opportunity to assistant direct with a good friend of mine. Regardless, I will be in the 'busy mode' once again until the end of October. And then... who knows.

Hidden Resentment Discovered

Women. There it is. I have come to a realization that I am holding the female species in resentment. It's sub-conscious... until now. To some degree, it is my own inferiority complex that's at work here. From my perspective and, this doesn't mean that women in my life are or, have been, bad people. They've simply said and did wrong by me, in my eyes. I've always known that in the realm of romance, she usually walks away from me and ends the relationship (i.e. breaks my heart). I want to believe that 'she' will happen but, as I grow older, I am becoming more and more particular (using the past experiences to shape my expectations) of who I think I want to a share my days with. Truth is, in hindsight, those experiences are far more appealling now then they were (that's usually the case... 'seeing' things as being better than they really were) back then. I look none the less. There are some attractive young women that if they were... Ooo... twice their age would seem to be my idea of ideal. Maybe I'm looking for someone who's passive/aggressive as I seem to be. These balances change constantly. That's what makes a realtionship so challenging. We're constantly changing our approach. Some days it not so great to be around anyone and some days, we could never imagine ourselves living without one another. What one person's mood does have an effect upon the other one's (sounds like a game of table tennis... YIKES!!!). I struggle with beauty. I can enjoy the visual aspects of it but, fully expect her to be tainted on some emotional/mental fashion if she's drop-dead-gorgeous. I see couples that one would never imagine together and I wonder why and just as important, who compromised to most to make them a couple, him or her? Marriage is an unappealling concept to me. That's not to suggest that I want to screw every female that walks by (I don't by any means). I'm selective and yet the 'beautiful ones' seem to appeal to me. Beautiful ones are a moderate range of women and how they look and how hey convey and carry on a conversation to how they like to enjoy themselves when socializing. Then, there are the ones who look like trailer trash and I think of them as simply 'meat-on-hoook' justing wanting a good time for a short time. I think about the song, 'Billy' by Nik Kershaw (you'll just have to look it up on allmusic.com to know what I mean) and those lyrics that basically suggest that '...Billy wants it all now...' seems to be something that I find myself relating to as well. I see others having what they wanted. Why not me? Perhaps, they are stuggling with there perception and expectations of other people as well. I'll keep looking and hopefully 'she' is as well and we'll discover each other when it's the right time for both of us. I'm trying to make peace and closure with my resentment. I really believe that I cannot do it without 'her' to help me do that (maybe, it'll be a mutual thing for the both of us... overcoming the past with our partners and simply trying it again with the next one) If it's meant to happen, I'm one day closer to it with each passing day. Still the optimist am I.

My Co-Dependency With Money

If I have one 'bad habit' it's the desire to have and spend money. I am the proverbial shopper. Over the years, I have certainly refined my approach to how I make and spend my money (i.e. different occupations/incomes and respectfully, from credit to cash-in-hand spending). I have not found any shortage of material things that I would like to call my own. I've simply applied a stronger discipline to the impulses of actually buying those things. Even at thirty-six, I'm still learning how to navigate the waters of my life. My care-free spending days are now coming back to haunt me, again. That other alleged debt with my name written all over it has taken a serious turn against me... a summons. I've been through this process once before so, while I'm a bit flustered over it, I'm calm and collected about how I will approach, deal and resolve this 'next round' with yet another credit card debt in my name. Fortunately, I am in a occupational/employment level in my life that does allow me to deal with these situations so that I may resolve these situations and still maintain a reasonable life. I have accepted the reality that I'm going to spend my mid-to-late thirties cleaning up the lousy choices that I made in my earlty-to-mid twenties. If this next adventure gets it's resolution, I will have, tentatively, paid back somewhere about twenty-four thousand dollars in two and a half years (that's eight hundred smack-a-roos a month). Not too shabby, eh? I also know myself well to know that this dark cloud hanging over my head is preventing me from pursuing any kind of social/romantic involvement with anyone (as I kiss my left hand, 'except my left hand shinning up the bat'). I'm still very reluctant to bare this part of who I am with someone that I would bare my heart and soul with. Funny how money overrides and rules my life. Perhaps, in my forties, I will return to a state of financial stability and even restore my subconscious mentality of being a stronger person than I feel to be in my thirties. Everything works out... still does.