A Year in a Life...

Alot has happened. Dad dies. I become an unemployment statistic (and enjoying every minute of it, thank you very much). Theatre dominates my life. I am well. I am content and at peace with my little world. More to come... stay tuned in... Peace.

Inside Out of Me... Daddy-O's Cancer

I'm in an emotional tug-of-war at the moment. Daddy-O's cancer seems to be winning and he's about to do something that is incredibly stupid at this point (and the doctor's agreed to it). The current, stronger chemo drug he's been taken has been weened out of his system so he can go see a nascar race??? What the FUCK??? Emphasis on the FUCK part of that. In addition to that, the chemo that they want him to resume to do battle with the thumb-sized cancer in his lung, he has decided to not take again. I understand both sides of the situation. He has been fighting cancer for two years now and he is exhausted. Unfortunately, it continues to rear it's cell killing self again and again. The other side is that if he were to continue the fight, he would be completely exhausted and virtually immobilized by 'the treatment'. His world would come crashing down and hence, would remove his single motivation to continue living... his business. *Sigh* I have to re-establish my arms length distance with the situation otherwise, I risk going into my own downward emotional spiral. That simply cannot happen. I can feel for him and I will grieve when that time comes but, he's here and so am I. I am being constantly reminded that I have to live my life to it's fullest. Life in the broad view is very short. I cannot allow his past choices to influence my present and future. Yet, I know he's preparing for that day. Last weekend, the uncle and I had a couple of conversations over dinner and that was my first knowledge of his situation and the inpending question: Will he continue to fight the cancer? I got that answer on friday in so many terms unspoken when he gave me a key to his place that he rents just over the state line in Michigan. It was a 'No', of course. Even so, he's making an incredible mistake in cutting back on the chemo meds now for a far less important purpose. I've developed a keen sense for those 'signs' that most people realize in hindsight... and it sucks (sort of)! The signals are crossing and he's in the crossfire and will ultimately lose by his own conscious choice. As we looked at each other on friday, when he caught my stare, we both nodded our heads. We understand one another better than we care to admit to one another verbally, in who we are and in our bloodline. I hope he does go peacefully when he goes. His time left here has been terribly brutal on his body and mind. I hope that things do not fall on the tenth anniversary of mom's death (april 29th, 2009) but, it could actually happen that way. Tomorrow never knows as always. This is where things will begin going south for him. I am still in awe of the power of those dried tabacco leaf pieces and the paper wrapped around them... the power they have over the human will. Size really does not matter. The cigarette is mightier than the person that puffs away on it and in turn, puffs away the life of that person. Powerful.

Curious...

... something's happening in the undertow... I don't know what it is but it's there and it's coming.

Memories for Mom

Mother's Day. I think back to those days around my mother's passing and all that whirlwind of what felt like a tornado (at least in my head). I also find myself recalling the moments of clarity and the things that I had said to various family and friends. One conversation that comes to mind today relates to the question posed to myself: What do you miss the most about her? To look at this question on the screen of my computer... I wonder how one could answer that question in the context of the time in which all of that chaos was occurring. I remember my answer... ' I miss her for the future as much as a I miss her now'. All the changes that life puts to each of us and that in the progression of time we change our perspective on the world and upon ourselves too. I often wonder how my life would have been different had she recovered and lived on. Do I wish her back? Yes and no. I miss her for all times and changes in my life that have occurred over the past nine years. I do not in order to save her from he suffrage of her final few years. I've had some lowdown moments and some very heartfelt moments. I do miss her for the future. She saw me out of the nest per say but, not to far out of it. I know that if she were still here, she would indeed be quite proud of her son. This I do know.

From the middle east to the west side to inside of me

Well, how's that for travel? If only it had happened. It is my 'travels' from finishing up 'The Arabian Nights' to gearing up to start on the summer musical, 'West Side Story'. Our first production meeting will be on saturday, May 10th at the theatre. I'm looking forward to working on what shall be the largest cast/production to be staged on SBCT's mainstage. I'm already mentally preparing myself to start casting my search for a full stage crew including at least two onstage managers and at least a runner/stage crew person assigned to each of us. I want this to be 'the shit' in terms of a crew and how we operate behind the scenes to make the performers shine out there onstage. Auditions will take place on May 19th & 2oth (possibly the 21st). Rehearsals will probably begin the first of June once all the students are out of school and home for the summer. I've become aware that there will be a great turnout for the auditions just based on the limited buzz about the show that I have been hearing. That is my life in the world today.
Tomorrow will be what would have been my mother's sixty-second birthday, May 5th, 1946. This year marks the ninth anniversary of her passing, April 29th, 1999. This year seems to have had less of an obvious effect upon me. I think about her constantly. Perhaps, that it why I'm not as affected by these days as I have been in the past. Yes, they are very relavant to me and I still get worked up about it when I really focus my thoughts on the morning she passed on as I stood at her bedside as she struggled for the hour and ten minutes that she did so before dying. Those images in my mind only reinforce my views to keep doing everything that I can to live a full and content life...one day, will come and I will be gone as well. I pay homage to her in doing and being the person that I hope she had hoped me to be. I smile. I am. This I know in my heart to be so. I still miss her for the future... all the things that she has not or will not ever see. 'Everything Works Out' is still true as it was back then. That is one change that is constant as well. 'I love you too, Mom'.

Enviornmentally Conscientious

I'm back on a serious note... Recycling is the topic. I have been doing just that for fourteen years now. I actually dispose of one thirteen gallon trash every four months (I know, sounds kind of gross, doesn't it?). Not really, if everyone would take environment situation more seriously, we would have a far better place to leave behind for future generations of all life on this planet. It's a very compelling thing for me to do to help that happen. Unfortunately, when I was loading my car up with all the recyclables and headed down the short drive to the bin. I open up the bin and see virtually no one else's recyclables in the bin... I sighed with utter disgust at the sight of an empty recycle container (aside from my filling about a quarter of it with mine). What is the matter with us? Do we not fully realize that we are quickly turning this planet into a giant trash heap? It's amazing how ignorant people are (or perhaps, they simply do not care for only the simple reason that, 'hey, why should I care... I won't be here when it all comes down on us'). Really? Are you sure? I ask you to think about your children and your friends with children every time you throw that so called 'trash' away. Who's going to pay for your mistake, now? Think about the future. I say all this not being married or have my own children... and I do care what happens to YOUR children and their future. Recycle... Recycle... Recycle. (and then keep doing it... teach them to do the same for their children). Instill in them the values that we've given no regard to and the reason why we are in the disaster we are all in now. Bring about change at home.