Indoor Fireworks

Ahh, a great title (see Elvis Costello) and equally appropriate title to this particular posting. I caught myself recalling back to July 4th's of years past and it hit me. It was ten years ago this year that I ended my 'virgin days'. Yes, I shared the sexual moments with a beautiful young lady at that point with whom I was falling very much in love with. She was the first woman that seemed to feel the same towards me (as time passed, so did that sentiment... obviously, the here and now clearly shows) as I felt toward her. What was so amazing about that time was I had consciously decided that after years of refusing to budge on my ideals of what 'she' should be like (i.e. non-co-worker, mother, smoker) I found myself entranced with Patty. She was beautiful. Her son, Joshua, made such an impression upon me (it was mutual between he and I) that after things had ended with us, I realized how much I loved children. He showed me that in his unconditional love. Patty had realized in turning twenty-one that there was more to the social scene than just me (rightfully so) and that was the beginning of the end for her and I. Not to stray too far off my original point of this posting, July 4th, 1997. Patty and I had been dating for about a month and a half. Not a long period of time, mind you but, it was a very intense month and a half leading up to that night. Patty and I had been romantic in other ways. We had not explored the physical sexual highlights, yet. That was all about to change. She had invited me down to Bremen to hang out with her and Joshua at her sister's apartment and then watch the local fireworks display later on. We laid out blankets for all of us to sit and watch the display (both of them had a child) so, it was fun for the all of us. Afterwards, Patty's sister kept Joshua for the rest of the night. Patty and I went back to her house and went downstairs to watch television (probably the last time I really watched much television was with her). Naturally, we started making out on the couch and things really got heated up, quickly. Before we knew it, we were naked and sweating like a couple of waterfalls. She knew that I was still a virgin and was very understanding that I didn't know my body's motions in this kind of situation. She was very patient and playful about it as well. It made it all the more meaningful to give myself to her. I remember how joy and pleasure she gave to me. I knew how much I gave to her during the good times of our relationship. I do remember the bad times but, with her, I remember that night and all the emotion that we shared. It was my first foray into bliss. I'm very glad as I think back that it was shared with her. I hope her life is everything that she had hoped it would turn out to be, today. Thank you Patty and Joshua.

Smoke? Drink? Pray? WHY???

The title says it all but, I shall elaborate a bit (because I can do that here). Let's take each one in order. Smoking. Hmmm, smells bad, makes others smell as bad, causes all sorts of life altering /ending diseases and can easily take any person and break their will without them even noticing it until it's too late. All of the sake of looking and feeling 'cool'. I see people I know and random people (physically attractive women, yes) in the course of my day and think to myself, self, she would be someone I would... waita minute... she's lighting up a cigarette! What a waste of such beauty. If she only had the sense to see that by doing that she's shortening her life and basically helping to bring about a myriad of difficulties in her later life. Drink. Again, what's the point. Spend money that you could use to do other more productive and memorable things. Wake up in the morning not feeling like that mack truck had just run over your head and/or stomach. It is a poor means to escape reality. It basically takes you in, drowns you out and spits you back out in worse shape then when you started (and all those other things are still there... waiting patiently). It dulls one's sense and that is definitely not the way I want to meet someone (especially someone who I would give my heart too). Pray (i.e. religion). As far back as I can remember, I always had this sense that organized religion was, and still is, nothing more than a pop culture cult for those who lack a higher level of self-esteem. Placing one's belief in life and the material world around them into a book of stories that somehow (???) instills trust in a supernatural lifeforce. So, does that mean the easter bunny, tooth fairy and santa claus and zeus all exist and are simply waiting for an opportun moment to suddenly show up and prove the nay-sayers wrong? I'd pay to see that. Religion is an emotional crutch and a cop-out for explaining the origins of life. The bible is book of stories... written by man. Atheism makes more sense to me than seven days that 'god' spent on creating this existance. *BUZZ* wrong answer. Face life going full speed and to understand that we as humans, continue to create these martyrs for our own purposes, good and/or bad. Atheist, and quite proud of that.

Post-Show Syndrome

Here I am once again, bored, bored, bored (and still bored, even). 'Private 'Parts'' is now in the past and I have my free time once again. Man, this sucks. I'd much rather be excessively busy than this... too much time to think about the rest of my life. Working on mondays at the theatre actually maintains my 'fix' for the theatre in between shows. Today, as an example was a productive day towards 'High-On-Something' (i.e. High School Musical). It's nice to know that Mr. C. and Mr. D. appreciate the time I give every week. I'm concerned about Mr. C. and his health. I'm consciously aware that he does put in very long hours at the theatre. His passion is having some side effects that I hope he is able to deal with and come back stronger from. I worry about my friends. It's amazing, in the progression of time I've gone from knowing of him in conversation to knowing the him and being able to call him a good friend in the span of about two years (ever since, 'Hello Dolly'). The theatre has opened up several avenues of friendship with people within the organization. Working alongside these very creative people has certainly inspired me to put more of myself into this artform.
Another example, Kathleen, who paid both Ed and myself a fine compliment yesterday. Actually, both her and Melanie paid one to us as well through the show. The one they conveyed was that they would not go to the cast party without us. The other one Kathleen said to us yesterday was that we seemed like two really nice guys. I find myself appreciating those kinds of gestures and words. It will travel miles farther than and grandiose displays of appreciation (I'll gladly take those as they come as well, of course).
I'm planning on taking this week off from any major theatre work. Next week may prove to be another opportunity with 'High On Something'. That production may have a need for a second stage manager that I may offer to do (besides, David has been pouty with me because I've not done anything with him since 'La Mancha'... he's just joking around with me when he does that, I know). Still, it would be fun to work with him twice in one year.
At present, life is a bit slow-moving but, it is, as always, good.

'Private Parts' On The 'Re-Zoom'

Well, here I am once again, at the end of my seventh civic theatre activity since november of '06. This one has been fun with everyone in the cast and especially the running crew. There are some many good reasons for me to continue working with the theatre I cannot image going too long before I find myself hunched over, rolled up in a fetus ball and suffering from the 'withdrawal' of not doing something with this endless group of friends to work with. I have found something that speaks to my motivation to do things with and for other people and share an instant mutual gratitude for each other. SBCT is a lucid drug that has me hooked. I have no complaints about that... period! After we strike the show this afternoon, we're off to the closing party and good time should be had by all. Next weekend is the spotlight on civic event for which I'm going to be assisting with in terms of the behind the scenes stuff so those wealthy people of the community can comsume finger-ish food and give even more monetary fuel to the volunteer and employee foundation of what keeps the working class of the theatre going. That is not a criticism, simply an accurate observation. Money does rule the world or, at the very least, allow for those of us who dedicate ourselves to this creative process, to continue. John Lennon: '...the everyday people can clap your hands, the wealthy can rattle your jewelry...'. I love that quote. It may not have any relevance in what I'm saying here (there again, what does, it's a blog, a public diary of random events that will only seem relevant to those who truly know us in the material world). Ah well, enough rambling, time for some porn and then it's time to hi the shower.

Laughed, Cried and Died... Just a Little

Tonight something that happens too far and in between happened twice. Good conversation with passionate friends. Ones who understand and live their lives in the hope that they will be remembered for who they are and less about what they've done in life. There is too much living and not enough life these times. To our friends.

Whiling away the time

Seems that my life is perpetually motivated by the misfortune of others. Case in point, my father. He's sixty-five and battling cancer. First with in the back of his throat, then his lung and now again (potentially, soon to be diagnosed) his tongue. He complains about the chemo and the effects of it upon him and yet he stills forges onward living, working (in his limited capacity) and trying to maintain the 'life' he's created. Not changing one single thing of it... including the one thing that most sensible people would stop doing at the first signs of cancer... smoking. Yes, that's right, he continues to light up. He believes that the cheap cigars and their saliva mixed 'juice' caused all of this cancer he is now dealing with. I know better than that, don't we all? Apparently the chemo is warping his perception of what is sensible as well as the cancer cells that have infiltrated his body. Sense any sarcasm in my words? Yes? Good! I'd love to take them away from him or even better, see him actually use his good sense to see that he's opening the proverbial door to the cancer cells that are already in his body to turn other perfectly healthy cells the the 'dark side' of their existance and become little killing machines. Life is on the shorter side for him these days... the 'autumn of his days'. He made the statement tonight that solidifies his fate. 'I'm existing these days, I'm not living life.' 'Once we find out what is the deal with this spot on the tongue, I'll decide what to do next'. Fighting this is apparently not the primary goal in his mind if the words '...let it consume me...' are already rolling off his tongue (to his son). In light of all this negativity, I find myself inspired to commit myself to doing all that I can in the life I have to live so that I'm not looking back in my 'autumn' saying 'woulda, coulda, shoulda'. That's simply not acceptable to me. If I'm going down, damn it I'm fighting it with all my life (or I'll take people with me... I'm kidding about that... sounds good though). Life is good for me. It's a never-ending myriad of challenges that each of us must face everyday. Live to win! Believe in yourself that way and it will happen in the physical world of this life lived.