Magic and Loss

A title to a Lou Reed album that came out, I believe, in the early nineteen ninties. The last couple of days I've been introspective about how I relate to others and how fortunate I am to have the life I do have. Today, as an example, I ushered for the theatre and in the course of it came in a group of ladies (three little ones with their moms) and they all were dressed in their sunday best. One in particular caught my attention. She was the tallest and perhaps the oldest. She wore glasses and just had a sweet disposition about her. I found myself looking at her and reflecting back to when I was much younger and how life was this big wonderous thing out there and I had someone holding my hand, walking me through those days. I think that kids get to have the biggest adventures. They get to experience the world with eyes opened wide. Simple pleasures of life. I sometimes get caught up in the grown up world that I forget about the 'little ones' coming up. They are a constant reminder that while being a grown up is cool. Being a kid is truly our golden years in life (with a big smile). I miss being a daddy at this stage of my life. I don't miss being a husband. Kind of makes both impossible. Without one, the odds on the other one aren't very promising. Tomorrow never knows.

What 'Love' is not...

I was doing my laundry down the street and in walks this couple who appeared to be about in their early forties (possibly late thirties with a very stressful life) and they proceed to launder. At least she did. I just continued to fold clothes and just listen and observe their character and communication traits. As I listened to their conversation, I realized that this small woman came across to me as being very uncomfortable and insecure. While the man was not terribly supportive (or even helpful with the laundry) he came across as not being too terribly bright in the bulbs. I understand more so now that some people tend to use love as an excuse to get married. Love should be unconditional regardless of one's marital status. What I was witnessing today was something not that came from love. It came from desperation. Some use love to get married to escape their loneliness and do it more so for that escape clause factor and less for love. It was a bit trying to listen to them as she talked to him and listening to him respond back to her with indifference or idiocy. She would speak in kind tone in one moment and be very short-fused in the next. He was the typical male that thinks of a woman as a possession and she probably was raised within that belief system as well. This quiet desperation in her every movement and word spoken. His almost completely non-existent emotions would probably only allow for him to emotionally react to... ANYTHING with some level of decency and understanding for this small woman. I fail to comprehend how one allows them self to be that demoralizing to another person and that other person simply accepts it in. I was disgusted by what I was witnessing between these two people. In those moments. I realized that people fail and ruin love by getting married and setting some definition of what 'love' should be to and for them.

My BAD Seven Year Habit

So... How was your weekend? Mine was just peachy (sarcastically). Locked myself in the frame shop went into 'productive mode' and proceeded to cut forty-nine frames that we're building for a commercial project in Illinois. Slept in on sunday (obviously). Saturday, I went to the service/viewing for a theatre friend who died last weekend. Sunday was the memorial that the theatre hosted. Then came today, monday, got up to do my weekly volunteering at the theatre and I was quiet for the first couple of hours and then I started coming around. I'm helping with the set for 'A Christmas Carol'. Well, I was working on the one flat that needed some pieces cut to fill some of the gaps up above the doorway. I had cut some strips to create a framework for the board I was going to use on the face. So yeah, I'm using the table saw and cutting this one piece down and in a split second distraction, BAM!. The board is pulled through the saw faster than I had realized and I managed to get my right thumb pulled into the blade. Sound nasty? It is. It cut into the top of my thumb about halfway in and just above the top knuckle. I was swearing (and bleeding) profusely. I was rushed down to the mid-level / dressing room bathroom to run water over it and see to the extent of the damage. It was not pretty. One of the other volunteers working there was kind enough to get me over to the emergency room. The staff there took some x-rays (cut about halfway in... actually cut the tip of my thumb bone). and the spin on the saw managed to tear up a fair amount of flesh on the ball of my thumb pretty good. They numbed it up, cleaned it up and stitched me up and sent me on my way. So, for the time being, I have this bulky, gauze wrapped thumb that looks like one of Mickey Mouse's gloved fingers. It's not fun looking at all. I am learning quickly how useful the thumb is (in light of the fact that I can't really use this one for a while) in my daily life. Fortunately, I'm left handed so, this will not cause me to write like a two year old. It's reminding me that it's definitely there and while it doesn't hurt terribly, it kind of throbs. While it doesn't seem too bad (feeling) now, I can't wait until tomorrow (or, the next day). When this all happened, all I could think was how STUPID I was for that half a second... and this is what I get for it. Pain, inconvenience and my personal favorite, the medical bills and all the red tape crap that comes with it. It was said to me that the theatre would 'do something' to assist in that regard so, I'll talk with them tomorrow or wednesday and see what that 'something' is. Like every place of business and organization they have to have liability insurance for accidents that occur on their property. I'll find out more on that in the days to come. All I can say is, DAMN!!!

Indifference With Love

Something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember... my indifference to love. Now, don't misunderstand this as a 'cry for help' kind of situation. It's more of a specific part of the makeup of who I am as a human being (yes, this may get deep and a bit confusing, so bear with me as I navigate these still waters). Most days, it's more of a positive feeling or self-preservation. Other times, well, it's quite selfish and at odds with most people's way of thinking and carrying on. Either way, this does convey to others a certain level of indifference that has many sides to it (too many to explore here in one blog entry, it's a lifelong process). I tend to be drawn to experiences and people who seem to be much the same. I think there is a great deal of the 'me' notion going through society on the whole. We latch on to that feeling of detachment and peeling away of feeling. We want the the right thing only right now and can let go of it as quickly as it comes upon us (and sure, you can and should change the 'we' in all of these sentences to 'I' or 'me' if you feel the desire... after all, it is my blog entry). These are my thoughts and perceptions and they certainly apply to myself as well and the general population. There is also this 'nesting' characteristic taking place (growing older, I would imagine) that is removing my inclination to change the 'nest' to allow anyone else into it. I have always struggled with this part of my character, sharing myself and the muscle pounding away inside my ribcage. Yet, I long for the affections of a young lady (and that does change on a daily, sometimes by minute basis). I think to myself what would it be like if there was someone to wake up to every morning and lay down with every night. I'm excited by the romantic notions of love but, not the love itself. Superficial? Perhaps so. I am very extroverted when I'm out and about with friends and I would like to think I'm fairly sociable (even attractive or so I dare say). Even this afternoon, someone with whom I have an alluring attraction to is still, in my eyes, beyond my grasp emotionally. I have this affinity to younger ladies than myself (and physically attractive plays a role in that very much so... even though 'attractive' to me has been a wide and varying range). Attractive is more of an embodiment of many obvious traits and many invisible traits that attracts each of us to one another. Attraction transcends numerous characteristics (damn, I'm talking in what an old flame called 'circles' again). I want Love. A romantic, siren song, comfortable feeling love that doesn't become too comfortable. One that challenges each of us in ways that makes the love stronger and enduring. Love that makes the end of the day calming as the morning that shines upon our faces. I want that 'EveryDayDream' that I had written in poetic verse some time ago (poetry.com... look it up, you'll understand what I mean). I want to overcome this indifference and become someone else's purpose as much I want that from her... whomever that may be. Life is still good... it can only get better.

South Bend Tribune / Voice of the People

I had submitted an e-mail to our local newspaper, and it was published in the 'Voice of the People' section over the weekend. To my dismay, it appears that it was slightly edited (i.e. a couple of sentences were omitted). Below is the restored version of the entire body of what was actually submitted to them. Once again, mainstream media does indeed breed ignorance. If the powers that be do not like being questioned, then they should do one of two things. Either, speak the truth and gain the power of our respect. Or, come to the realization that their power is built upon a foundation made of sand during a wind storm and concede to the truth

As we all know, through The Tribune's strong support of South Bend Civic Theatre, the 50th anniversary season has been, for the most part, a highly successful season. The Tribune has made a consorted effort to preview and review virtually every single production that this local professional theater group has presented with the exception of the most recent, "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams.
As an active member of this mostly volunteer community theater group, I find it a bit out of character that the Tribune would suddenly decide after ten months that local talent does not deserve to be acknowledged. Really? Is The Tribune suggesting that non-local professional touring troupes, cinema and other artistic events take precedent over the local community professional troupes, cinema and artistic events (especially on an anniversary year)? If the answer is "yes," The Tribune should take a serious look at it's priorities and commitment to all of the local arts and make that kind of decision across the board. If it is "no", then the Tribune should take this opportunity to review "The Glass Menagerie" and restore it's commitment to one of the most prominent professional local theater troupes in the area.
Jody O. Thorla
South Bend Civic Theatre's
2007 Volunteer of the Year
South Bend