Blah, Blam, Blah... BLAH! (the sequel)

It is now late evening as opposed to late morning and most of this day is behind me. I spent my afternoon at the theatre, ushering and having a rather engaging conversation with the box office manager during the show. I didn't watch the show twice. I enjoyed it but, not that much to see it twice in twenty four hours. The topic of discussion was based off of this blog and the things and views I've expressed here. The main one of particular interest was the question of morality and religion. Who invented who? I contend that morality is what influenced the creation of religion (among other things) and that religion is simply a manifestation of groups of people and their sense of what is good, bad, right or wrong (hence, my understanding of why there are hundreds of variations of religious belief). It was said that today, in these times, religion effects a person's sense of morality. Religion influences of one's sense of right and wrong (i.e. morality)... giving it a guide by which to follow when in different situations. I feel that yes, religion does provide a sense (delusional) of comfort and ease. It fails to answer the larger questions of how all of this came to be. How life itself had started. How could one entity or force such as a 'god' truly have the power to create all that we know to be. I don't feel that it's possible that something that intelligent could have existed and, if it did why did it create such flawed renditions of itself? I can absolutely believe in the life sciences to know that every living create is derived from a single-celled organism. That all species have either evolved over the countless millions of years based upon their abilty to adapt to the changes that occurred around them or else they simplty died off. Our creation followed the very same progression of evolution. It cannot be explained with complete knowledge that such and such occurred at such and such time but, at least I'm not saying that 'only 'god' knows that answer'. Scientists continue to make new discoveries to answer these unknowns. For myself, that comes across as being a naive copout simply to conceal that we do not have enough of the answers provided through science and it's research to say, 'we know this happen at that time for this reason'. At least owning up to not knowing the answer makes for more sense to me than to say that a 'god knows the truth'. We are an intelligent species, yes but, we are still a flawed and a reckless species none the less. We are the one species that has brought about more destruction to the earth's ecosystems and climate than any other inhabitant. We have killed more out of the belief (and disagreements) of the differing morality based upon one's religious views, than for any other reasons, combined. I do agree that morality has been influenced by religion in more recent of human history (within the last 10,000 years) but, in my opinion, morality is a genetic based characteristic of not only the human race but of every species on the globe. We have learned by trial and error and as a result, we are where we are today in light of both the failures and successes that every living creature must go through in the natural evolution of life. This conversation will continue through the ages... just as it's doing now. Welcome to the machine.

Blah, Blam, Blah... BLAH!

I find myself in a bit of a funk. It started yesterday afternoon. Not really excited or cheerful, just kind of here. Not being busy is something that is becoming a point of contention. I said it before that I would find myself (self-induced psychosis) getting bored easily and very quickly. There is one thing that happened at the theatre last night that was rather unusal for me. I was sitting in my seat and behind me were three ladies sitting. One was obviously in her middle ages (50+) and another directly behind me that was in her late twenties and early thirties (my age range) and the one that I was talking with was in the middle. I would say late twenties or early thirties as well but, rather thin, small breasted (and no, that's not a complaint, I've always had an attraction to 'smaller' women), bleached, short hair and these very stunning blue/green eyes if I was seeing them clearly enough with all the different angles of theatre lighting. Anyway, the conversation began with the three of them all responding to Matt's 'exit/electronic devices' voice over and it went from there. I was rather social last night. I, at one point of my rambling on about the theatre and myself found myself quite attracted to her (it was obvious to the other two ladies on either side of her... their silence proved that... they knew what I was doing just as well as the one that I was having the conversation with). I went on and caught myself in midstream thinking, 'oh shit, I'm a selfish bastard'. I'm dominating the conversation and sounding all high and mighty about me, me, me, me. I finished my ranting session and stopped and the conversation seem to grind to a halt. I had overbeared the converstion into... an awkward silence. I turned back around and waited for things on stage to begin. She is another fine example of the fairer sex. I still believe that if I am going to meet someone with whom I would date and/or have a relationship with, it shall come from my normal routine and social outlets (i.e. the theatre). Someone who is creative and focused and passionate about what they do and more importantly, who they are. A living being. I just need to carrying on in a conversation and not 'steam-roller' my way through it. Spontaneous lust will do that to me... 'Mr. Chatterbox'.

Micheal Moore's 'SICKO'... OUTSTANDING!!!

Angry is the one word that describes my feeling having seen 'Sicko' tonight. It had me laughing in very a sad way with regards to how this country, the wealthiest nation in the world, can be one of the most capitalistic and cold-hearted nations on the planet. It truly is a 'me' country. As citizens of this country we are forced to select our very well-beings based on which employer will offer the 'best' health insurance. Our lifespan is three years shorter that the United Kingdom. Insurance companies/HMO's are doing everything in their power to see to it that they mak a profit at the expense of human lives... a fucking profit. Money vs. Health? Those in power are actually asking that very question. The reponses coming back are simply terrifying. Those in the health insurance industry are actually given incentives/bonus' to deny treatments, much less payout those entitled benefits. What if, one day, you were to find yourself with an ailment that would require hospitalization. You're admitted, and treatments are recommended for that particular ailment. Then, in light of your insurance provider's unwillingness to continue to pay, they drop you and tell you to fend for yourself. How would you respond to that? Now add into the equation... what if that person needing treatment was a family member or some one very dear to life... a true friend? What would you do? While I am insured (for which I pay a hefty monthly premium) I can certainly say that I am under-insured. I shook my head so many times during the film that I lost count. Far too many stories with unecessary suffering.

Freedom Delusion

Okay, this will be yet another area where I may rub someone's rhubarbs the wrong way... cannot be help, it's me. This country, one of the youngest on the globe (in terms of being established) has this mentality that really escapes me. Especially in 2007. Freedom? What freedoms do we truly have in this country? We are dependent upon other nations for virtually everything that we produced from generations ago (and probably were dependent then as well). The wealthiest of this nation have more say over the mass everyday/middle and lower class. That's not to say that other nations do not have these class distinctions as well, they just don't seem to exude them so much as we do. 'Bigger is better', 'More is better'. Where the hell did we come up with this crap? I just read this morning that the 'Big 3 - automakers' are taking some major sales drops. While automobiles produced outside this country are showing vast boosts in their share of the market here. Our healthcare in this nation is not even close to being the best for it's citizens. Even though we are supposedly one of the wealthiest nations in the world. Politicians and lobbyists are more concerned with their personal gain that they dismiss the black and white in front of them for the greenbacks and dollar signs ringing in their bank accounts. Don't get me wrong. I want a secure and safe life for myself. The difference is that want that for EVERY single person (not just the ones who can afford it). Money rules and when it speaks, we all lose. I'm angry at the system that create class distinction. Which is to say, america is not at fault. It's simply a by-product of an earlier design. Everything this nation has came from some other place of origin. Humanity stop being creative long before this century. We've simply re-invented 'the wheel' over and over to the point that we've convinced ourselves that we're superior to every other species in the planet. Meanwhile, as we make our 'improvements' we massacre, destroy and sacrifice every other living organism for our own selfish gain. And finally, habeas corpus... in one fell swoop our 'free nation' has been stripped of these principles that every citizen is entitled to by one person who has done so much damage to our perception in the rest of the world's eye that cannot even pull our self-centered ass' up for a breath to realize that our 'freedom' has ultimately be stripped away by the very elements that we claim as a nation to be in opposition to: corruption, greed, death and destruction (our own). All we can do on this day of our independence is shoot pretty fireworks up into the sky. 'What 'god' wants, 'god' gets, 'god' help us all' -- Roger Waters, 'Amused to Death', CD 1992. 'God' is another entirely different subject that I shall address on another occasion. All I will say at this point is religion has caused more death and destruction. Hence, my being a devout atheist. Read Richard Dawkin's 'The God Delusion' and take a look at his website: richarddawkins.net. Habeas Corpus 1215-2006, rest in peace.

Change or Reveal?

A quote from a person who's name escapes me at the moment, 'People do not change, they simply reveal themselsves'. I agree with this without apprehension. I think about how I react and respond to situations now and how I recall situations in the past that shared similar characteristics and know that the primary element that changes constantly speaks to one's experiences in life and the knowledge that when something is said or done, there is a reaction to that. Perhaps, I'm deducing life down to easily (perhaps, it really is that easy... who knows?). The things that I say on here are personal and private and yet, I've decided to make them and, just as importantly, myself open to the public discourse of those around me who know me in their lives... you. I write this as a journal and also as a autobiography that everyone can read. I reveal myself to the reader in ways that may cause an open discussion outside the infinite void of cyberspace. The notion and act of blogging serves many purposes. The most obvious is that it provides, for myself, a means by which to bring things to light about myself that I would othewise not mention... kind of a 'bravery of being out of range' approach to clinical therapy (and quite a bit less of a financial obligation... this being based solely upon your internet service and monthly rate). I'm working towards a open discourse about who I am and how I relate to the people in my life. It's a life's work in progress. It's very... human (even on here). Sure there is an open channel by which you, the reader, can comment on what you read here. It does allow for me to articulate myself a bit more conscientiously and reveal that I am aware of my own self-imposed limitations to express it anywhere else. Maybe I'm talking in circles (or tongues) but, I do that only to try and make my point(s) clear. Sometimes (perhaps even now) I may simply instill utter confusion... oh well. At least I feel better about getting these thoughts out there and into other people's view to read, perceive and understand who I am more so. To reveal thy self to thee.

Relief & Reality

RELIEF: My father had stopped into the shop this afternoon in search of his loving son and discovered I was hanging pictures with Greg at Coach Weis' house in Granger (no, I'm not advertising or, gloating, simply stating a fact... I could not care less about anything or anyone under the dome that doesn't have a direct connection to me or my personal interests... Wait, that's their unspoken policy, isn't it?). Anyway, I called the Daddy-O back once I returned to the shop. *Sigh of relief* That spot on the side of his tongue is nothing to be concerned about in a major way (i.e. cancer). That's not to say that his fight is over. It's simply not in an active state. As long as he continues to smoke, he will not help curtail the future possibility of cancer from showing up. The transitional cells appear to have taken a 'coffee break' from turning to the cancer side of existance. He, as well as everyone around him, are at some ease with this promising news. He will still have to continue to take one of the chemo-meds to help prevent future occurances from popping up. REALITY: Now my reality. This may come as a revelation to some and a reminder to others who already know. In the 1990's, I was young and stupid and did something that has come back to me in spades. I had in my possession credit cards, five to be exact, that I discovered would allow me to have and do things that I wished to do that should have not been acted upon to have or do (i.e. lack of credible funds). Well, I managed to accumulate an excessive amount of debt to these cards and found myself in deep pile of doo doo. I lived beyond my means in my twenties and I'm having to face the reality of that in my thirties. Facing about forty thousand realities to be precise (yes, forty thousand smack-a-roos). Well, guess what, they decided that it was time to hold my feet to the fire and collect their borrowed money back. For the past eighteen months I have been paying back one of those credit cards to the tune of fourteen thousand dollars. The good news is that to date, I have fulfilled my commitment to that. I'm about six hundred dollars shy. At one point, I had seriously considered chapter... whatever and, essentially cheating my way out of it but, I didn't. I stepped up to it and I'm better for it (at least emotionally, not so much financially). Well, I open my mailbox this evening and 'shock, shock, horror, horror', another credit card has decided to pursue me as well. How convienent that just as I'm finishing with one, another comes crashing in (isn't it wonderful how public records can not only help one's situation but, create more chaos in turn?). This one is suggesting that I'm indebted to them for the sum of fifty-two hundred dollars. I'm not denying the allegation, just not totally sure it's accurate to my recollection. The card has been inactive since 2003 so, I'm not sure of it's 'balance' legitimacy. Regardless, if it is indeed mine to deal with, like the one I'm currently entangled with, I will deal with that one in like fashion (everyone else gets a fair shake except, yours truly). While this may sound like me whining for sympathy, it isn't. I realize in my experience and age that we all create the life we must live up to with everything we say and do as we go through this life. I'm just not terribly happy that I was young and that stupid all those years ago. It's making the life I have now more complicated and financially challenging. As a good friend of mine from the theatre would say, 'it is what it is'. How true.

Hot, Hot, Hot...

Today, I'm in the early stages of a rather healthy sunburn. Sunday was a great day, I went to the pool. Proceeded to spend the better part of the afternoon there literally soaking in the sun. I got most of my body covered... with burn. There was an attractive tall, kind of lanky in form, young lady there with, what looked to be her sister and her boyfriend. She carried herself as being the 'third wheel' of the group. I was admiring her from a mutually noticable distance (who wants to be from a safe distance when enjoying the 'eye candy' anyway... not me). There were a number of dead on looks at each other. It was fun. Of course, being the doofus that I am, I did not at any time, get up and walk over and introduce myself (no, that would be too easy and could have resulted in my possibly creating a new possibility of romance... can't have that now, can I?). Anyway, I walk back over to my apartment and realize rather quickly, 'Ooo, I'm a little on the RED side'. No shit, genius. I slept fairly well last night, in light of my newly acquired 'lobster tinting'. Today, as always, I'm at the theatre working on the set for 'High On Something' and I'm feeling kind of tired and achy (hmm, skin is feeling tight, wonder why that would be???). I'm probably going to peel as I always do after a sunbathing like this. Tanning is not my body's habit. I thought maybe at thirty-six I would somehow tan THIS time... guess not. When I got home this afternoon, I laid around for a few hours and then went over to the pool and got in just long enough to soak the bod. That felt REALLY good. Who knows, maybe I will tan for once. It wouldn't be a bad thing. The fact that I'm going to the pool and actually laying still for half hour increments is out of character for me. I'm settling into my soft middle age I suppose and relaxing is part of that stage. WOO WHOO!