Hidden Resentment Discovered

Women. There it is. I have come to a realization that I am holding the female species in resentment. It's sub-conscious... until now. To some degree, it is my own inferiority complex that's at work here. From my perspective and, this doesn't mean that women in my life are or, have been, bad people. They've simply said and did wrong by me, in my eyes. I've always known that in the realm of romance, she usually walks away from me and ends the relationship (i.e. breaks my heart). I want to believe that 'she' will happen but, as I grow older, I am becoming more and more particular (using the past experiences to shape my expectations) of who I think I want to a share my days with. Truth is, in hindsight, those experiences are far more appealling now then they were (that's usually the case... 'seeing' things as being better than they really were) back then. I look none the less. There are some attractive young women that if they were... Ooo... twice their age would seem to be my idea of ideal. Maybe I'm looking for someone who's passive/aggressive as I seem to be. These balances change constantly. That's what makes a realtionship so challenging. We're constantly changing our approach. Some days it not so great to be around anyone and some days, we could never imagine ourselves living without one another. What one person's mood does have an effect upon the other one's (sounds like a game of table tennis... YIKES!!!). I struggle with beauty. I can enjoy the visual aspects of it but, fully expect her to be tainted on some emotional/mental fashion if she's drop-dead-gorgeous. I see couples that one would never imagine together and I wonder why and just as important, who compromised to most to make them a couple, him or her? Marriage is an unappealling concept to me. That's not to suggest that I want to screw every female that walks by (I don't by any means). I'm selective and yet the 'beautiful ones' seem to appeal to me. Beautiful ones are a moderate range of women and how they look and how hey convey and carry on a conversation to how they like to enjoy themselves when socializing. Then, there are the ones who look like trailer trash and I think of them as simply 'meat-on-hoook' justing wanting a good time for a short time. I think about the song, 'Billy' by Nik Kershaw (you'll just have to look it up on allmusic.com to know what I mean) and those lyrics that basically suggest that '...Billy wants it all now...' seems to be something that I find myself relating to as well. I see others having what they wanted. Why not me? Perhaps, they are stuggling with there perception and expectations of other people as well. I'll keep looking and hopefully 'she' is as well and we'll discover each other when it's the right time for both of us. I'm trying to make peace and closure with my resentment. I really believe that I cannot do it without 'her' to help me do that (maybe, it'll be a mutual thing for the both of us... overcoming the past with our partners and simply trying it again with the next one) If it's meant to happen, I'm one day closer to it with each passing day. Still the optimist am I.