My Emotional Wall

I have spent the better part of my adult life single (come to think of it, I managed to be single in my youth as well). It seems that as of late, I find myself allured by the fairness of the opposite sex. I still worry that the reality of my life and who I am mat be a detraction to people. I know that we all have some variation of 'baggage' in our lives but, I do believe that another person's perception of my life may not be what they want to allow into their life. While all things change, we do tend to focus on the present and make decisions and yes, pass judgement on others for what we feel to be acceptable or unacceptable based upon those perceptions. I have the sense that it may be closer to me now than ever before... romance. It's been almost a decade since I left these emotions to lay and rest. It is indeed true, love does change one's perspective from take to give in this life. I have lived without someone else there for so long that I may be growing into the lifestyle that I unconsciously shall remain single for the lack of desire to be anything but single. I want this to change... soon.

Magic and Loss

A title to a Lou Reed album that came out, I believe, in the early nineteen ninties. The last couple of days I've been introspective about how I relate to others and how fortunate I am to have the life I do have. Today, as an example, I ushered for the theatre and in the course of it came in a group of ladies (three little ones with their moms) and they all were dressed in their sunday best. One in particular caught my attention. She was the tallest and perhaps the oldest. She wore glasses and just had a sweet disposition about her. I found myself looking at her and reflecting back to when I was much younger and how life was this big wonderous thing out there and I had someone holding my hand, walking me through those days. I think that kids get to have the biggest adventures. They get to experience the world with eyes opened wide. Simple pleasures of life. I sometimes get caught up in the grown up world that I forget about the 'little ones' coming up. They are a constant reminder that while being a grown up is cool. Being a kid is truly our golden years in life (with a big smile). I miss being a daddy at this stage of my life. I don't miss being a husband. Kind of makes both impossible. Without one, the odds on the other one aren't very promising. Tomorrow never knows.

What 'Love' is not...

I was doing my laundry down the street and in walks this couple who appeared to be about in their early forties (possibly late thirties with a very stressful life) and they proceed to launder. At least she did. I just continued to fold clothes and just listen and observe their character and communication traits. As I listened to their conversation, I realized that this small woman came across to me as being very uncomfortable and insecure. While the man was not terribly supportive (or even helpful with the laundry) he came across as not being too terribly bright in the bulbs. I understand more so now that some people tend to use love as an excuse to get married. Love should be unconditional regardless of one's marital status. What I was witnessing today was something not that came from love. It came from desperation. Some use love to get married to escape their loneliness and do it more so for that escape clause factor and less for love. It was a bit trying to listen to them as she talked to him and listening to him respond back to her with indifference or idiocy. She would speak in kind tone in one moment and be very short-fused in the next. He was the typical male that thinks of a woman as a possession and she probably was raised within that belief system as well. This quiet desperation in her every movement and word spoken. His almost completely non-existent emotions would probably only allow for him to emotionally react to... ANYTHING with some level of decency and understanding for this small woman. I fail to comprehend how one allows them self to be that demoralizing to another person and that other person simply accepts it in. I was disgusted by what I was witnessing between these two people. In those moments. I realized that people fail and ruin love by getting married and setting some definition of what 'love' should be to and for them.

My BAD Seven Year Habit

So... How was your weekend? Mine was just peachy (sarcastically). Locked myself in the frame shop went into 'productive mode' and proceeded to cut forty-nine frames that we're building for a commercial project in Illinois. Slept in on sunday (obviously). Saturday, I went to the service/viewing for a theatre friend who died last weekend. Sunday was the memorial that the theatre hosted. Then came today, monday, got up to do my weekly volunteering at the theatre and I was quiet for the first couple of hours and then I started coming around. I'm helping with the set for 'A Christmas Carol'. Well, I was working on the one flat that needed some pieces cut to fill some of the gaps up above the doorway. I had cut some strips to create a framework for the board I was going to use on the face. So yeah, I'm using the table saw and cutting this one piece down and in a split second distraction, BAM!. The board is pulled through the saw faster than I had realized and I managed to get my right thumb pulled into the blade. Sound nasty? It is. It cut into the top of my thumb about halfway in and just above the top knuckle. I was swearing (and bleeding) profusely. I was rushed down to the mid-level / dressing room bathroom to run water over it and see to the extent of the damage. It was not pretty. One of the other volunteers working there was kind enough to get me over to the emergency room. The staff there took some x-rays (cut about halfway in... actually cut the tip of my thumb bone). and the spin on the saw managed to tear up a fair amount of flesh on the ball of my thumb pretty good. They numbed it up, cleaned it up and stitched me up and sent me on my way. So, for the time being, I have this bulky, gauze wrapped thumb that looks like one of Mickey Mouse's gloved fingers. It's not fun looking at all. I am learning quickly how useful the thumb is (in light of the fact that I can't really use this one for a while) in my daily life. Fortunately, I'm left handed so, this will not cause me to write like a two year old. It's reminding me that it's definitely there and while it doesn't hurt terribly, it kind of throbs. While it doesn't seem too bad (feeling) now, I can't wait until tomorrow (or, the next day). When this all happened, all I could think was how STUPID I was for that half a second... and this is what I get for it. Pain, inconvenience and my personal favorite, the medical bills and all the red tape crap that comes with it. It was said to me that the theatre would 'do something' to assist in that regard so, I'll talk with them tomorrow or wednesday and see what that 'something' is. Like every place of business and organization they have to have liability insurance for accidents that occur on their property. I'll find out more on that in the days to come. All I can say is, DAMN!!!

Indifference With Love

Something that has plagued me for as long as I can remember... my indifference to love. Now, don't misunderstand this as a 'cry for help' kind of situation. It's more of a specific part of the makeup of who I am as a human being (yes, this may get deep and a bit confusing, so bear with me as I navigate these still waters). Most days, it's more of a positive feeling or self-preservation. Other times, well, it's quite selfish and at odds with most people's way of thinking and carrying on. Either way, this does convey to others a certain level of indifference that has many sides to it (too many to explore here in one blog entry, it's a lifelong process). I tend to be drawn to experiences and people who seem to be much the same. I think there is a great deal of the 'me' notion going through society on the whole. We latch on to that feeling of detachment and peeling away of feeling. We want the the right thing only right now and can let go of it as quickly as it comes upon us (and sure, you can and should change the 'we' in all of these sentences to 'I' or 'me' if you feel the desire... after all, it is my blog entry). These are my thoughts and perceptions and they certainly apply to myself as well and the general population. There is also this 'nesting' characteristic taking place (growing older, I would imagine) that is removing my inclination to change the 'nest' to allow anyone else into it. I have always struggled with this part of my character, sharing myself and the muscle pounding away inside my ribcage. Yet, I long for the affections of a young lady (and that does change on a daily, sometimes by minute basis). I think to myself what would it be like if there was someone to wake up to every morning and lay down with every night. I'm excited by the romantic notions of love but, not the love itself. Superficial? Perhaps so. I am very extroverted when I'm out and about with friends and I would like to think I'm fairly sociable (even attractive or so I dare say). Even this afternoon, someone with whom I have an alluring attraction to is still, in my eyes, beyond my grasp emotionally. I have this affinity to younger ladies than myself (and physically attractive plays a role in that very much so... even though 'attractive' to me has been a wide and varying range). Attractive is more of an embodiment of many obvious traits and many invisible traits that attracts each of us to one another. Attraction transcends numerous characteristics (damn, I'm talking in what an old flame called 'circles' again). I want Love. A romantic, siren song, comfortable feeling love that doesn't become too comfortable. One that challenges each of us in ways that makes the love stronger and enduring. Love that makes the end of the day calming as the morning that shines upon our faces. I want that 'EveryDayDream' that I had written in poetic verse some time ago (poetry.com... look it up, you'll understand what I mean). I want to overcome this indifference and become someone else's purpose as much I want that from her... whomever that may be. Life is still good... it can only get better.

South Bend Tribune / Voice of the People

I had submitted an e-mail to our local newspaper, and it was published in the 'Voice of the People' section over the weekend. To my dismay, it appears that it was slightly edited (i.e. a couple of sentences were omitted). Below is the restored version of the entire body of what was actually submitted to them. Once again, mainstream media does indeed breed ignorance. If the powers that be do not like being questioned, then they should do one of two things. Either, speak the truth and gain the power of our respect. Or, come to the realization that their power is built upon a foundation made of sand during a wind storm and concede to the truth

As we all know, through The Tribune's strong support of South Bend Civic Theatre, the 50th anniversary season has been, for the most part, a highly successful season. The Tribune has made a consorted effort to preview and review virtually every single production that this local professional theater group has presented with the exception of the most recent, "The Glass Menagerie" by Tennessee Williams.
As an active member of this mostly volunteer community theater group, I find it a bit out of character that the Tribune would suddenly decide after ten months that local talent does not deserve to be acknowledged. Really? Is The Tribune suggesting that non-local professional touring troupes, cinema and other artistic events take precedent over the local community professional troupes, cinema and artistic events (especially on an anniversary year)? If the answer is "yes," The Tribune should take a serious look at it's priorities and commitment to all of the local arts and make that kind of decision across the board. If it is "no", then the Tribune should take this opportunity to review "The Glass Menagerie" and restore it's commitment to one of the most prominent professional local theater troupes in the area.
Jody O. Thorla
South Bend Civic Theatre's
2007 Volunteer of the Year
South Bend

Glass Menagerie Unbroken

For those of you not reading my facebook page, I'm A.D.-ing and S.M.-ing a bit for the SBCT production of 'Glass'. We had our first 'unofficial' performance before going public tomorrow and in light of a few technical difficulties, it went well. I'm looking forward to the run and to the after-parties that will follow. An added bonus to the show is working with my fellow 'Zombetches' once again this year. Thanks to the cast and crew for all that they do to make this production a success.

Facebook Junkie, All Aboard!

It would appear that my idol time will spent on my facebook page (hence, the reason for the time in between my postings on here). This is simply a journal to express specific views. Facebook does open up the option to create and share a much broader sense of who I am (i.e. likes, dislikes and even get into specifics about those likes and dislikes). So, if you're just dying to know more about yours truly, check me out on Facebook. You can look me up by name (pssst, Jody Thorla) and/or my e-mail address (pssst again, musikelskr@sbcglobal.net). I will continue to post here as I fight of my uncontrollable urges to post on Facebook.

Evolution or Creationism

To start off, I am an atheist so, you know where this posting is going to go in terms of choice. Duh? I believe with all my heart that evolution contains within it more of the truth than creationism contains. Creationism uses 'god' as some kind of crutch to support the theories presented from that perspective. Bottom line, creationism is not probable. Evolution, some say, is impossible (and yet, it's quite probable and quite possible). One cannot disprove the other easily so, given the choice of which one I would choose. I would have to say that I personally believe in evolution. While we cannot disprove one over the other, I believe that we should find a better explantion that's based upon this thing called reality and not in some fictional story with 'god' playing the lead role. Not using 'god' in place of, 'I don't know'. Be honest with yourself and others. Using a 'god'(which is possible but not probable) to explain the unknown and/or mistakes seems rather lame, to me. Own up to your own actions. 'God' has nothing to do with reality beyond being simply another story to tell within it. Atheists believe in reality and the established, documented truth of the world we live in. Creationism suggests that 'god' stepped in and awswered all the questions, absolutely (not!!!). Provide evidnece to back creationism. So far, I've seen not one shred of anything that absolutley disproves either or. I just feel comfortable knowing that I can believe and live life as I see fit for myself, Darwin's Theory (yes, it's a theory based upon generations of documented facts) of Evolution rules in 'The House of Thorla'.

September 17th, 1970...

... on the eve for my 37th I'm feeling pretty good. Busy and Good. Rehearsals for 'Glass Menagerie' are going into their third week, next week. The assistant directing thing is actually quite fun. There's plenty of work to be done being the gopher but, again, it's experience that will bring more opportunities to other things with the theatre. Who knows?

Anyway, getting back to the birthday. I'll be going about my typical monday, set building at the theatre. Thirty-seven! (Wow! that even TYPES long!) I've not given too much thought about my age (feel younger then the calendar dictates). There are so many things going on now that sitting here pondering my existence is non-productive time so... Whew, that's better! Glad to get that out there.

I'm assistant directing, on committee for the ICTL Festival in March of next year, still set building on monday (2 plus years and counting), ushering as much as I'm able, potentially going to house manage the theatre for a day during the '12 a.m.' run in the studio theatre (still working out the details on that). I'm thinking about taking that day off so I can let the actual house manager enjoy more of the day off up at the Acorn Theatre, in Three Oaks. We'll see how much head-bashing it will take to get Greg to give me yet another saturday off. Should not be that big of a deal... we've got Adham.

I've come to a new realization about my presence at the frame shop... it's growing stronger. There seems to be a transition taking place in terms of my being this assistant manager to something more affluent in how I relate to people who come in. I'm not anxious like I felt I used to be. My pace has reached a level where I can cruise through things and the clock seemingly moves slower than ever before (and more is getting accomplished). We're going into a lull of sorts with walk-in business but, like all lulls, it will pass. I've never been with an employer this long so everything that happens with me at work is a new experience (a better understanding of my character and temperament... and a chance to see if I will truly age gracefully... man, I sure hope so). Ob-la-dee, Ob-la-da, life goes on. Cheers!

'No End In Sight' and 'Big Losers'

For those of you who know me well, I have found myself rather social/politically opinionated. I don't buy into the notion of the mainstream (of anything) and I do certainly question everything that is put before these eyes and my other senses. Well, this entry will hit on two subjects, the Iraq occupation and the Irish football. The first in quotes title in my title line is in reference to the film of which I saw this evening. We, as a country, are lead by a powerful circle of very corrupt politicians that simply wish to better themselves at the rest of the world's expense (not to mention all american citizens). We've brought about massive killing in the the occupation of Iraq (estimates suggest as many as six hundred thousand people). I'm learning more about our desire to have and display for the rest of the world our ability to boast about gloat about things that not only effect society but, eventually ourselves. It should come as no surprize that this country has had a serious that our actions have had every bit as much of influence upon the entire insurgency uprising and the sinly fact that we can't just pullout and come home. We've screwed things up not only in the governing process but also to ourselves. The United States is that proverbial bully who just showed up on the scene and wants nothing more than to reign over everyone without contention.

Ahhhh, Notre Dame lost it's season opener to another unranked football team (Georgia Tech). I cannot help but smile about the failings of the university. Ahhh...

Le Vie En Rose

It's been quite some time since a film has made such an impact upon me. The Edith Piaf biopic (at the Browning Cinema) was simply a tour de force work of cinema. It drew the full range of emotions throughout. Marion's performance of Piaf was stellar. The story of her life's work is something to be revered by all who find pleasure (as I do) in music. I've yet to acquire a recording of hers but, that will certainly happen now. This is the one element of music that still takes me by surprize. It's ability to draw me in and simply enjoy it. I care not for where it comes, so long as it comes and plays. Her passion, as with anyone's passion, draws and shares inspiration to share one's talents and abilities with those who are willing to take in all in. Edith Piaf... a legend.

'12 A.M.' to 'Glass Figurines'

On Wednesday, I received a call back from the director of '12 a.m. (psst, 12 Angry Men) and went in to read once again. Once again, I felt good about how it went over all (the director did as well, I was told today). He called this afternoon to let me know that he had cast the show. I almost made the cut for juror #5 but, as he put it, '...someone else just edged you out for that part...'. A bit disheartened am I? Well, just a little but, you know what? I was thrilled that I was chosen for call backs on Thursday. He felt that my portrayal of that character was very good and that he certainly saw my ability and that is just as important to me as getting a role. It creates a reference point for the future that may allow me to be cast for something else in another production. It was suggested that I try out for 'A Christmas Carol' and think I will do so. The auditioning process is a bit uneasy for me but, not in a way that distracts me from my purpose... to audition. It's simply a necessary tension that in some cases, causes an auditioner to either cave or climb out and give a great audition. I gave two nights of great auditions. I will try again for 'A Christmas Carol' (probably in October).

On the other side, and this is a good thing, I will be helping with another show for SBCT, Tennessee Williams 'The Glass Menagerie' in the latter part of October with another director/friend. We talked back in April when I was stage managing for her for 'Zombies From the Beyond' and I will be at least stage managing if not assistant directing with her. So, I have something to do this fall regardless. Actually, in many ways, it will be more fun working with her show than 'Jurors' simply for the fact that we have a good friendship with one another. I'm looking forward to it, again.

One last note, non-theatre related. I went out for dinner this evening and saw a customer of the shop with whom we've done a number of pieces for over the last oh... five years. Well the last time he was in he looked very different. So much so I nobody recognized him... until he spoke. Some people have a very distinctive voice (much the same can be said of singers). Anyway, he was diagnosed with cancer about four months earlier and was going through chemo at the time (and he looked it too). Well, it was a bit disheartening when I asked this gentleman, '... do you have a son named Glenn Teer?... He responded, '...I am Glenn Teer'. He looked twenty years older in light of the treatments. Fast forward to this afternoon. I walked into 'Las Esperanza' for dinner and who I see... Glenn! We recognize one another and exchange greetings. He's doing and looking well these days. He said in parting, 'everyday that I can get up and enjoy another day is a good day'. I responded with, 'everyday above ground is a good day'. We agreed. It felt good again today... I am still above ground.

Loves Labour Lost

Tonight, I'm reminded of my independence and the sacrifice I continue to carry with me... well, just me. I think about love and devotion to another and it leaves me feeling trapped in this life that I've created of being alone. Most of the time, I'm content with my life. Other, rare occasions, I feel disconnected from everyone in the vicinity. I encounter these beautiful women and they're happy, beautiful and (usually) married. I look and talk with them and I think to myself, I'd do almost anything to be with someone like her. The one's that seem to be attracted to me are not what I feel meet my expectations (and yes, looks are important. Anyone who tells you otherwise, is lying) and naturally the ones that seem to find me attractive are the ones that I would prefer not to be involved with... plain and simple. Yet tonight, I find myself wanting that closeness and affection from a woman that simply wants to be with me as much I want to be there with her. I'm not, again. I am a hard line critic of anyone who falls short of my expectations of her. Is that fair? Probably not so much but, that's just me. Marriage still does nothing for me. It's an interesting concept but, in practice, it seems rather miserable to live up to. I believe in love unconditionally. That means that I do not accept the 'rules' that we place upon the emotion of love (i.e. marriage and all the process that we confine love with). In making that choice, to love openly, I will surely shy away far more women than not (unless, I become 'famous'. Oh well, their loss (and perhaps, mine as well until we meet one another). Love is not a mistake. Marriage and the conventions of what we define as love to another person are. Virtually every other species is more accepting to these lack of parameters, why are we so 'special'??? Who knows, it could happen, in due course.

12 Angry Mammals Audition

Enjoyable. That's my first impression of the auditioning process (and it stands). Sure, it can be a stressful environment but, you know, if one goes into it with a focused goal (i.e. giving your best audition) the rest has no bearing. I felt myself going into that mode that I've experienced onstage. You get into character and have fun with it. I'm enjoying the 'being someone else' that makes it fun to delve into a character. In terms of 12.A.M., I was placed in the 'Foreman/Juror #1 role and Juror #2 role. How did I do? I felt comfortable with the roles and feel that considering that I went into with only one viewing of the teleplay, I fared pretty well. That's not to suggest that I think I'll get a call back. I just felt, personally, that I gave a good audition. I'm going back to read again on Tuesday if I'm not too tired from hanging the pictures for student activities on campus. Call backs will be on Thursday. I'm hopeful that I hear back. If I don't, that's fine as well. I put it down on my sign-in information sheet that I have a possible opportunity to work on 'Glass Menagerie' on the main stage in the stage manager/asst. director position if I I don't get a call back. It's important to me that I am being an active member of the theatre and that simply put means that I will do just that, be active. I understand that there is a balance of 'need' between a director and a performer... we need each other. If, in the director's view, that I didn't give the kind of performance that was their expectation that doesn't mean that I gave a poor rehearsal. It means, to me, that perhaps they have a specific preconceived notion of a character portrayal. Maybe they don't choose a person for a number of different reasons. I felt good about the night, I hope I conveyed that in my audition performance as well.

On a side note, I shared with Mr. C. my intention to be an extra set of hands for the set building for 'Buddy'. He was pleased and of course, discouraging me from really having to do that. SBCT has my focus and desire to help it be a great community theatre. It's great that I've found and environment that allows me to delve into my creative mode and enjoy it at the same time. I take it seriously and, on some levels, not all, personally. It reminds me of how I felt when I started custom framing all those years ago. Intriguing. Framing is my expression of my serious business side and theatre... well, it's about designing and building sets. It's about creating character and investing one's personal experiences into a persona that is not one's original design. A few years back I perceived some of the theatre people as being these great people that I couldn't relate to. My how things have changed. Now, many are good friends. I know, I'm going all squishy again but, you know, it's how I feel. I raise my organic mango juice bottle in 'cheers' to all of those friends that I've come to know in that last several years through the theatre. Another GOOD day above ground.

The Work Ethic

I've come to this realization as of just recently. I enjoy being active and productive. I do also enjoy my 'down time' as well. A man of extremes would be me. I've been accustomed to working two jobs since '93. That was when I was working at the grocery and at the independent music store (Martins and Tracks Records, respectively). Even today, while it's not a paying job, the theatre has provided me with an outlet by which I'm able to channel my energy into being productive and creative as well. When I'm 'down', it's usually quite the boring time as well. That seems to come on mucher sooner than in years past... my boredom. I need to be doing more with the theatre (and these days, I'm doing quite a bit, for a volunteer). Speaking of which, I'll be returning to my active status with the theatre as of tomorrow. I'm auditioning for '12 Angry (mammals) Men'. I'll be going into the audition cold. I think that will be easier for me to get myself psyched up for it. I expect to see a number of familiar faces at the audition. It's been asked of me if I feel nervous about auditioning... not especially. Reason, I go into it with a clear mind and the realization that I do want a couple of particular jurors but, the director my very well see me more suited to another juror role. Perhaps, the director may not call me back. That does not mean that I'm a lousy auditioner. It probably means that I'm not their 'vision' of a particular role. There will be a next time I'm sure... as always. If in the event I'm not called back for '12', there will always be the 'Glass' I have an opportunity to assistant direct with a good friend of mine. Regardless, I will be in the 'busy mode' once again until the end of October. And then... who knows.

Hidden Resentment Discovered

Women. There it is. I have come to a realization that I am holding the female species in resentment. It's sub-conscious... until now. To some degree, it is my own inferiority complex that's at work here. From my perspective and, this doesn't mean that women in my life are or, have been, bad people. They've simply said and did wrong by me, in my eyes. I've always known that in the realm of romance, she usually walks away from me and ends the relationship (i.e. breaks my heart). I want to believe that 'she' will happen but, as I grow older, I am becoming more and more particular (using the past experiences to shape my expectations) of who I think I want to a share my days with. Truth is, in hindsight, those experiences are far more appealling now then they were (that's usually the case... 'seeing' things as being better than they really were) back then. I look none the less. There are some attractive young women that if they were... Ooo... twice their age would seem to be my idea of ideal. Maybe I'm looking for someone who's passive/aggressive as I seem to be. These balances change constantly. That's what makes a realtionship so challenging. We're constantly changing our approach. Some days it not so great to be around anyone and some days, we could never imagine ourselves living without one another. What one person's mood does have an effect upon the other one's (sounds like a game of table tennis... YIKES!!!). I struggle with beauty. I can enjoy the visual aspects of it but, fully expect her to be tainted on some emotional/mental fashion if she's drop-dead-gorgeous. I see couples that one would never imagine together and I wonder why and just as important, who compromised to most to make them a couple, him or her? Marriage is an unappealling concept to me. That's not to suggest that I want to screw every female that walks by (I don't by any means). I'm selective and yet the 'beautiful ones' seem to appeal to me. Beautiful ones are a moderate range of women and how they look and how hey convey and carry on a conversation to how they like to enjoy themselves when socializing. Then, there are the ones who look like trailer trash and I think of them as simply 'meat-on-hoook' justing wanting a good time for a short time. I think about the song, 'Billy' by Nik Kershaw (you'll just have to look it up on allmusic.com to know what I mean) and those lyrics that basically suggest that '...Billy wants it all now...' seems to be something that I find myself relating to as well. I see others having what they wanted. Why not me? Perhaps, they are stuggling with there perception and expectations of other people as well. I'll keep looking and hopefully 'she' is as well and we'll discover each other when it's the right time for both of us. I'm trying to make peace and closure with my resentment. I really believe that I cannot do it without 'her' to help me do that (maybe, it'll be a mutual thing for the both of us... overcoming the past with our partners and simply trying it again with the next one) If it's meant to happen, I'm one day closer to it with each passing day. Still the optimist am I.

My Co-Dependency With Money

If I have one 'bad habit' it's the desire to have and spend money. I am the proverbial shopper. Over the years, I have certainly refined my approach to how I make and spend my money (i.e. different occupations/incomes and respectfully, from credit to cash-in-hand spending). I have not found any shortage of material things that I would like to call my own. I've simply applied a stronger discipline to the impulses of actually buying those things. Even at thirty-six, I'm still learning how to navigate the waters of my life. My care-free spending days are now coming back to haunt me, again. That other alleged debt with my name written all over it has taken a serious turn against me... a summons. I've been through this process once before so, while I'm a bit flustered over it, I'm calm and collected about how I will approach, deal and resolve this 'next round' with yet another credit card debt in my name. Fortunately, I am in a occupational/employment level in my life that does allow me to deal with these situations so that I may resolve these situations and still maintain a reasonable life. I have accepted the reality that I'm going to spend my mid-to-late thirties cleaning up the lousy choices that I made in my earlty-to-mid twenties. If this next adventure gets it's resolution, I will have, tentatively, paid back somewhere about twenty-four thousand dollars in two and a half years (that's eight hundred smack-a-roos a month). Not too shabby, eh? I also know myself well to know that this dark cloud hanging over my head is preventing me from pursuing any kind of social/romantic involvement with anyone (as I kiss my left hand, 'except my left hand shinning up the bat'). I'm still very reluctant to bare this part of who I am with someone that I would bare my heart and soul with. Funny how money overrides and rules my life. Perhaps, in my forties, I will return to a state of financial stability and even restore my subconscious mentality of being a stronger person than I feel to be in my thirties. Everything works out... still does.

Atheism For Me

Time to lay out some more opinion that will probably ruffle some feathers. Your feathers, not mine, is all I have to say. I understand the origin of my lack of faith in that so-called 'god' that most people subscribe to in believing in. I cannot be delusion into thinking that a single, all-powerful, all knowing being came to create every living creature in the universe, much less here on earth. I do firmly believe that a single-celled organism is where we each derived from. To take that one step further, I believe that in the greatness of all existence life was created from a single-celled organism. What exactly that organism was (i.e. species... probably nothing we would know about) beyond being a cell is truly beyond mankind's knowledge but, we are trying to discover that, in scientific research and of course, time. I do think that every cell of every life has the answers to our questions of where we truly came from. We simply have not found that answer (knowing humans, we're probably asking the wrong questions or, if we aren't, we simply have not tapped into our own minds deep enough to extract that knowledge to ask the questions that we need to ask to make those discoveries). For me, not entrusting my fate into some 'god's hands' does lead me to feel more empowered to be a responsible person in this world. Religion provides guidance for those who feel they're lost in their existence and that's perfectly fine , for them. I see it as a serious shortfall of a person to place their 'faith' upon an entity that is obviously, if listening, not paying any attention to our whims and wishes. All life is a calculated chance of options. Some work and some fall by the wayside and become extinct. Unfortunately, I believe without question that most of the extinction that has occurred in the last say a thousand years has come about more by the hands of the human species that any other species. There is an ecosystem that, of course, creates a natural balance to any species numbers in existence. Humanity has imposed itself upon every other existence and basically taken from it what ever it feels it needs and wants for it's own selfish purposes. Other species have an effect upon other species on a much smaller scale than humans have upon hundreds, even thousands of other species on this planet. Somehow, we've convinced ourselves that we have control over every other creature that roams the earth. I know in my mind that we are one component, one element of a much larger existence of something that we have no knowledge, much less an understanding of that encompasses all of us. We could very well be that single-celled organism that we're trying to understand in ourselves. Now, if there is a 'god' how can one provide factual, documented and tangible, (yes, tangible) proof? To use the statement, '... only god knows the answer...' has to be the biggest sham that I've ever heard. If you don't know where life came from, why make the proclamation that makes one look even more ignorant? If one does not know the answer, then, look for the answers and then decide what the truth is. We tend to want the 'fast and easy' response to our questions. Many we are able to answer and yet, there are still many countless answers to questions that still elude us to this day. If a 'god' cast us in it's own image then, how is it that we're as flawed as we are? Apparently, 'god' is not that great if he is producing 'faulty models' of every species within this universe. I would strongly urge everyone to read 'God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins and research beyond that. The origins of life from all the scientific research that the human race has conducted through the hundreds of years (and, continues to do so). Religion, as a whole, is basically a 'middle man' to somehow answer the questions that we have not discovered the answers for, yet through research of the evolutionary process... just say, 'I don't know' and not, 'Only 'god' knows the truth of that', please!!! Humans are capable of intelligence that comes across that ignorant (especially, to one another). Show me 'god' and I'll show you nothing and you'll still lose. Darwin and evolution are real explanations to what the human mind knows at this point in our existence and it's short-lived (in relation to the creation of all life) time here. That's simply my opinion on this subject. Have a realistic, open mind and choose to depend upon your own sense of right and wrong (every creature has those abilities, we're living proof of that). Some simply have not evolved quite to that 'civilized' level hence, all the violence that a small percentage of the human population continues to struggle with. We are simply put, an animal that wears clothes and communicates with other animals of similar traits and abilities. Peace, and we out.

Farewell For Now, Juliette!

Today was the first day without Juliette at the shop (it's usually her day off). Yesterday was her last 'official' day with us at the shop. She is returning to school to get her (masters... I think) in architecture at the golden dome. She has a full schedule of credit hours so, working (for money) will probably not happen for her. I said it to Greg, at the shop this morning, '...it seems odd that I find myself saying this once again in less than two years but, we're losing a good set of framing hands and keeping the worst ones...'. He didn't respond to that statement. Sure, Juliette made mistakes but, she did not consistently make the same mistake, to the best of my recollection, over and over. Any mistakes that she had made in the last few weeks I would also associate to her 'disconnecting' from us. I have a knack for telling it how it is with people who just don't have a clue. Perhaps, it's a sympathetic level that prevents Greg from coming down on Diane G. He feels sorry for her and sees her as someone he can 'help'. It's a plausible theory based upon his actions (or lack there of) towards her overall productivity to the shop. Yet, what doesn't make sense is that he acknowledges her mistakes and even gets pissed off about it. Oh yeah, that's right, he's a republican... if the president can rides both sides of the fence, why can't ever other citizen who sees him as some standard by which to base their own words and actions upon as well. Disregard any conflicting commentary (even if it's legitimate) and simply do what ever you want. Sounds like a major power/control issue to me. I like having authority myself but, there is a critical difference between having authority and controlling. Authority is simply there to make sure things do not go terribly wrong... keeping things in some controlled chaos. Control has more to do with domination and having little or no concern with how things are carried on but that they are simply done now, and only this one way. I have proven time and time again that when you have authority over an enviornment and actually work productively with that in mind, others that walk into that enviornment, they tend to work equally as productive as well. If you lead by example and set the standard in terms of the actual work process, others will realize and feel that they should do the same. I instill that in my co-workers by staying after normal scheduled working hours to insure that the work flow continues to do just that, flow. Staggering and pacing work that instills a sense of panic is a poor system. People do not do there best work under those circumstances at least not in the custom framing world, they don't. I know, I've seen plenty of instances where others have tripped at every step because they're placed in a stress-induced situation that doesn't work well with the work we do day in and day out. I also believe strongly in raising the proverbial bar on people's expectations of us and our turn-around time. If we can, and we have numerous times, exceeded a person's expectations under my authority and make them go 'WOW!' and not simply, 'Thank you'. Anybody can do that with no real effort. It's the places that go that extra mile that are remembered more so for doing it above and beyond their expectations and in half the time. Oh yeah, one other proven theory, if you look busy, people are more inclined to work with you. Their thought, from my perspective is, '... these people are busy, they must be doing something right... I want to work with them...'. I would see and feel that way if I walked into a business. Being busy draws more business. Last thoughts, I will do great work when I have the right tools to do the work. That doesn't simply mean tangible tools, it means having the most important one, communication and information. Without that, failure is inevitable. One of the most important things I've come to know having worked in retail is that, and I've said this to Greg... and he didn't care to hear it, I'm sure, was this: '... you may cut and sign my paycheck but, the people who walk through that front door write it...', is (painfully, for some) very true. I work very hard to be the best framer I know I'm capable of being and making people say, 'WOW!', when they walk away with the results of our intelligent, focused and quality work. I know it sounds rather preachy but, it does work well. Far better than just meeting their expectations. I say, blow the doors off their expectations. I want that 'WOW!'. Juliette was one of those hardworking, intelligent framers who helped make that happen more often than not. We all make mistakes that we beat ourselves up over but, we, and she, still got the work done, period. Cheers to Juliette.

Monday@SBCT

Another good day at the theatre... three days out until 'High On Something' goes live. I'm not especially impressed with the story of the show but, I realize that it is a popular one for Disney and anyone who puts in on their schedule will have a hit on their hands. All that said, I do feel like it's not nearly the caliber of musical that I've worked on in recent years. I simply like those classic stories and those memorable songs. Anywho, I helped with the railing for the second level of the set and painted the floor in the left and right sides of the stage. Then, I spent the next hour and a half helping to hang fourteen framed pieces (the shop did) in the hallway gallery at the theatre. Immigrant children who are learning about our culture and going through our educational system. The framed pieces are these short story(boards) about everything from duck fish to dragons to people and their names. Grades five through eight. They seem like they're from younger students but considering the origin of their writers and artists, I'd have to say they're pretty cool. We are all immigrants with our own stories to tell. Summer camps started today as well... saw an old employee, Tara (pronounced 'Tar-a'). She was another short-lived framer at the shop. She was treated very poorly by a certain owner of that frame shop. She almost walked out one day because a crack was made about her less-than-ideal math skills. She acknowledged that from the beginning (and we still hired her) and the comment is made. Very unprofessional in my view. She was and is cute but, a bit young for me... maybe. The fact that she's trying to become active in the theatre is great. She seemed quite informed about theatre (perhaps, that was why I found her attractive). From a physical standpoint, she had a bit of 'junk-in-her-trunk' but she had quite a set of 'fun bags' on her... still does. Unfortunately, when I checked out her ringer finger, it appeared occupied by one. She might have been taken aback by the fact that I hugged her upon greeting her... Oh Well! I'm the type of person who would enjoy the public display of affection (except dry-humping... well, there is the 'Jody-Hug') so much for being subtle. I know that with the right combination of traits in a woman, I could be quite happy (but, Shannon Tweed Simmons is already spoken for). Clone her and send me a copy or two. Life is laidback today and, it's cool by me.

Attached to Detachment

Today, as with the last couple of days, I'm feeling disconnected. Not bad or good, just here. The other night I did actually feel pretty good. The shop is in a good time in terms of business and framing to do (not too much). Commercial work is the reasoning for that (and that is suddenly expanding, especially with the university this summer). I just read that the city council has voted to rezone an area near the campus that will create another self-containing slant for the university to keep their student body centralized to the campus or, just barely off-campus. With any new develpoment, there are always pros and cons. The city sees it as creating new job opportunities. I have to disagree. What it will do is displace jobs that already exist in the community and simply move them to a location that is actually more condusive to the university. Commerce is a give and take thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Something new means that something old is about to become extinct (see any dinosaurs around???). As I grow older, I get the sense that as a species we're simply trying to (and falling far short) of making any new advancements. Sure we're re-inventing things to make them 'better' but, at what price are we compromising well... ourselves? I admit, I tend to think a little too much about these things (i.e. social/political/enviornmental issues). I would rather think too much of them than to be completely oblivious to them (that would make me another 'bush-whacked' idiologue). Not going to happen... certainly not in this life. I aspire to live a more eco-friendly life and, with time, I will do so. I've been recycling since '94 (these days, my trash is dumped maybe once every three months... and that's a thirteen gallon trash can's worth). I conserve electricity and use it only as I truly need it. Air conditioning/heat get turned only when temperatures demand it to keep it comfortable (just to take the edge off). I drive a fairly fuel efficient car (I would prefer a hybrid... it's on the 'shopping list'... even better, electric). I use my utilites, in general, wisely. My eating habits have greatly improved over the last year and a half (thanks to my food poisoning spell in the spring of '06). Organic is the way to go. Fewer chemicals and just better quality of food. I sound politcally correct, don't I? Well, if it means living a better quality of life then, yes, I'm P.C.... kiss my non-existant ass! It's a sick world and I'm STILL a happy man.

Future Work Enviornment

This is a vision of how I would like to see the future workforce well... work. It's a self-motivating design that, while it's not perfected, it's certainly a good start. Here it goes. What if you are presented with the workload or expectations of accomplishing a certain amount of work. Based upon the work needed to be completed. You are given a typical work week in which to complete it (again, based upon customer expexctations). If you accomplish all that is placed upon your 'shoulders' in say twenty-five hours as opposed to the typical forty hours work week, would you be up for it. Work for two or three days and have the rest of the week off. Sound interesting? Here's the clincher, and get paid for a forty hour work week. I'm serious! This of course means having a much larger network of vendors who can acclimate themselves to operating with a system such what I'm suggesting... an ideal situation (none or, fewer delays... quick resolutions to problems in a expedient manner... the way we all expect it to happen whenever we patronize a business). Customers are happy, employees are happy as well. And everyone get to spend time enjoying their lives more. Give a hundred and ten percent of yourself all the time and get rewarded for it in the short term and the long term. Providing that sales continue to grow and revenue does like-wise, you would receive an annual bonus as well. Now, I know that there are some loop holes in this idea such as, who works when we're not around? Other employees that are trained to do more of the remedial work would handle that aspect of it and, that's all they do. A decent wage as well for them based upon their productivity and the revenues that they produce in selling the product and/or services that a particular business offers. The working week would be say three days in a row or, perhaps every other day during the week. Leaving tuesday, thursday, saturday and sunday free for you to relax. Still sounding appealling? I thought so. Working smarter and yes, harder for a shorter duration. Get paid like you were there the full week and have more time for yourself and the people in your life. Would you try it if you had the opportunity to do so? I know I would. It would motivate me to get up on those working days so that I could accomplish the goals put before me so that I may have the time off that I've worked towards having and accomplished. One of the biggest contentions that I have deals with why we have to be at our place of employment when there are down times and business is slow. I'd just assume get in, and get out as quickly as I possibly can. That's what I try and do now under what I consider is a stale working system that is truly up for review. Giving your employees the motivation to work productively and pay them for that productivity and even reward them again at the end of the fiscal year with bonus checks. I don't know about you but, I would certainly critique my current employer's operation and tell them to take a flying leap. The existing workplace does not inspire motivation and/or productivity in it's worker's. I'm proposing that one work so that they can... go home! You know, live the rest of your life, in leisure. It may sound a bit far-fetched but, I cannot think of anyone who would even think of this, muchless apply it to a real workplace. I would, absolutely! Just looking at how hard working people work and know that given a workplace that inspires and motivates them to be productive and reward them in the short term and the long term, would you not choose it? I bet you would. These ideas have been bouncing around in my head for the past few years. I think it would create a gratifying situation for everyone concerned. Things get done on time or, hopefully faster. The customer is impressed and the employee looks really good not only to the employer, consumer and most importantly, to themselves (can you say, 'raise my self esteem... empowerment). The more I dwell upon this idea, the more I want to do it in the workplace. Again, not a perfect idea but, definitely a change for the better in the terms of working and one's leisure time. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Quotes, Facts & Human Error

From time to time, I will make statements and or quote someone else on my blog and it may be misinterpeted an quite possibly, flat out wrong. I realize that I do that too... make mistakes. If I do so, I certainly invite comments and/or an e-mail from that person so that I can 1.) understand the mistake. 2.) correct the mistake (especially if it's posted on here, for anyone to access). I may ruffle some feathers in saying my peace about the times we live in but, I have no desire to misquote anyone, period. My personal take on the premise of this blog that I have is to not only share my views but to also initiate more conversation and an open dialogue on here and with you, my friends about your take on any topic that peaks your interests and concerns. If I make a mistake and you discover it, tell me. I will do all that I can to clarify and correct that mistake as quickly as possible. Thanks to each of you who chooses to read this blog. I look forward to future postings and all responses back.

Friends

I am constantly reminded of all my friends and how that circle of friends has evolved over the last couple of years. I have drifted away from the ones that I've known for many years to new ones that aspire and inspire me to cultivate more new friendships with other people. No offense to those in my past but, they have 'settled in' to their lives and families. Meanwhile, I am still, in mentality, that twenty year old guy who just wants to enjoy new encounters with new people (that's why I'm so attracted to younger women... Damn!). The positive sides to this no less include the fact that I'm thirty-six and feeling almost half my age with the experiences of a thirty-six year old. Trust me, it works. Someone once said to me, '...my twenties were turbulent, my thirties were fun and my forties are challenging and not as laid back...'. Admittingly, I have to agree (in light of my self-inflicted 'wounds') it really is a good time in this life. I'm still living the life I had hoped for as a kid. The only obvious shortfall would be someone to enjoy these good (an bad) times with. I'm very particular about that and why shouldn't I be? I want the best as much as 'she' wants it in 'him'. Compromise is an interesting notion but, those compromises need to be affluenced as much as one is able to do so. I think about the subtle 'passing glances' to the 'full on relationships' that I've shared and it's comforting to know that they're still considered friends. Even though one ex-girlfriend, Patty, at one point simply wanted me to be her 'booty call'. Flattering but, back then I was too much in love with her to simply unattach my emotions from her so we could simply fuck. At the time, it was a wise decision to make the clean break of her or else, find myself an emotional wreck years later. I went through enough emotion over her when we did break up. I did that as well with Stephanie. The difference between them is mulit-million miles as far as I'm concerned. Patty wanted to use me. Steph, well, she's a dear friend with me, today. Here and now. She's in Washington state but, I've always know (fourteen years and counting) that she's speaks to me on many different and intriguing levels. She is one of the few friends that have endured the times and has come out on this side with me. If you're reading this and thinking it's corny, Steph, it is. More importantly, it's true (you make it so simply by having read this, my blog). CHEERS!

KISS! 1977-2003 My History

I'm in this retrospective mode so bare with me. 1977 was a good year for a six year old kid living at 3023 Wilder Drive. I had discovered music and I have to give credit where it's due. The very first band I ever liked was... 'You wanted the best, you got the best, the hottest band in the world... KISS!!!!'. That simple creed was the opening lines to the 'Alive II' that came out in 1978. Before that though, I had been going through the newspaper and always found those old Columbia Record Club things on the back of the 'Parade' Magazine that was in the sunday paper. I would go through and circle the names and albums that I thought were cool. My friends down the street, the Kruggels (Jeff and Todd) were a couple of my best friends when we were growing up in the neighbourhood. Anyway, Jeff was already into this rock'n'roll band that wore all this make-up and spit blood, blew fire and had these amazing stage shows (things have not changed one bit... their shows are even bigger now) called KISS. I was curious to know why he thought they were so cool. So, I was at their house playing and we were in their room and he put on this record and I believe it was 'Destroyer' (released 1976) and it was outstanding. I went home realizing that these guys were really cool. I wanted their albums... BAD! I had shown my mom the ones that I had circled in the last 'Columbia Record Club' sheet and she was resistant to my having the KISS ones because they were so different and she was a little worried that my dad might not approve of me having that rock'n'roll music. I was persistant (i.e. pouted) and she finally agreed to order them for me so long and we didn't tell dad until after they arrived, I agreed. A few weeks later, I received the very first of what would become a merely huge collection and passion for music. The first three albums(cassettes) I ever called my own were KISS' 'Destroyer', 'Love Gun' and 'Rock and Roll Over'. I had this portable tape player that I would play them in. I played those tapes over and over through most of 1978. I would save my allowance and buy the teen magazines that had them on the cover and put the pin-ups on my bedroom wall. Dad didn't seem to mind (as far as I ever knew) that I liked 'that' band. By the time christmas had rolled around in '78 I was totally infatuated with KISS. I asked for a record player and more KISS music. My mom and dad had bought me the table top record player and the 'Gene Simmons' solo album. My grandparents had actually bought me the 'Ace Frehley' solo album. I was on cloud nine that year. From then on, I would go to Ayr-Way (became Target... then became vacant) and check out the posters that they had. I bought with my allowance the posters of Gene and Peter and Paul (I was upset because the had sold out of the 'Ace' one... Jeff Kruggel had it and I envyed him for that). I did trump him when I bought the oversized 'Love Gun' tour poster from Spencer Gifts. I had the trading cards, the dolls (yes, the dolls), posters, music, lunchbox and all sorts of other things that I had found in the KISS Army mail order magazine that I had managed to acquire through one of the teen magazines that I was buying. The one major magazine I always had to have was '16 Magazine'. Virtually every month there was something about them in there and pin-ups, pullout posters and the articles about them. I was a hooked on these guys. They made me want to be a rock star when grew up. I became something else but, I countinued to follow them and buy their albums. The first time I ever saw them live was on the 'Animalize' tour, 1987, if I remember correctly. They were playing at notre dame a.c.c. (before they named it the j.a.c.c.). This was after they had stopped whereing the makeup. I saw them again three years later in Ft. Wayne on the 'Asylum' tour (1990). Again, they still put on a great show. The third time was the highlight of my life, 1996. The reunion tour. Full makeup, the original stage and most importantly, the original lineup. I had been using ticket brokers for one show each year for the last couple of years to see the concert of the summer and KISS was the one to see that year. Four of us went to see them, paid $200 a pop to see them and it was worth every single penny spent. We kept on ranting and raving about how awesome the show was afterwards. The 'best' was yet to come. It wasn't until 2003 that I would see them one more time in Nashville, Tenneessee with friends who lived down there. This time though, it was more than just the concert. Gene was promoting his second book 'Sex Money KISS' in conjunction with the tour. There was a book signing at the Borders in Nashville and we had decided that we were going to stand in line and meet Gene, and we did (took us four hours but, we did). When we got close, there were people working for him going through the line handing out post-it notes and telling us to write our name on them and put them where we wanted Gene to sign them. When I went up, he extended his hand to me and said, 'Thank you for coming out to see me, I really appreciate you taking to the time to wait in the line'. I said, 'Thank you, Gene'. I didn't say too much. He signed my 'Kiss and Makeup' book that I had brought along (his first book). We put our arms over each other's shoulder and one of his crew took a picture of us on my camera. I was absolutely impressed by how well organized his book signing was. He took the time to chat with everyone and ended up spending, from what I had heard, almost nine hours there. Every single person who showed up got to meet him. He made sure of that. The next night, the concert. We had our tickets under the pavillion at this outdoor venue but, it was agreed that if we could get better seats from a scalper, we would. Well, we came about this guy who happened to have third row seats that he was will to trade with us for (we gave him our tickets and an additional $75 a piece to upgrade). Absolutely worth it! I spent the most I've ever spent on tickets for that show ($275) and it was well worth it. Since then they have become more iconic and more of a marketing tool for Gene and Paul. 'Kiss' the brand (like Disney... without the mouse). I've grown up with them and now, I respect them not only as musicians also as business men. They've done all the right things and they had the foresight to see that they were going to make something more of themselves than this garage band in 1973... when it all started. Three years after I was born. I think that those of us who get into music find a band that we like and we kind of 'grow up' them. I did so with the 'hottest band in the world... KISS!!!.

Blah, Blam, Blah... BLAH! (the sequel)

It is now late evening as opposed to late morning and most of this day is behind me. I spent my afternoon at the theatre, ushering and having a rather engaging conversation with the box office manager during the show. I didn't watch the show twice. I enjoyed it but, not that much to see it twice in twenty four hours. The topic of discussion was based off of this blog and the things and views I've expressed here. The main one of particular interest was the question of morality and religion. Who invented who? I contend that morality is what influenced the creation of religion (among other things) and that religion is simply a manifestation of groups of people and their sense of what is good, bad, right or wrong (hence, my understanding of why there are hundreds of variations of religious belief). It was said that today, in these times, religion effects a person's sense of morality. Religion influences of one's sense of right and wrong (i.e. morality)... giving it a guide by which to follow when in different situations. I feel that yes, religion does provide a sense (delusional) of comfort and ease. It fails to answer the larger questions of how all of this came to be. How life itself had started. How could one entity or force such as a 'god' truly have the power to create all that we know to be. I don't feel that it's possible that something that intelligent could have existed and, if it did why did it create such flawed renditions of itself? I can absolutely believe in the life sciences to know that every living create is derived from a single-celled organism. That all species have either evolved over the countless millions of years based upon their abilty to adapt to the changes that occurred around them or else they simplty died off. Our creation followed the very same progression of evolution. It cannot be explained with complete knowledge that such and such occurred at such and such time but, at least I'm not saying that 'only 'god' knows that answer'. Scientists continue to make new discoveries to answer these unknowns. For myself, that comes across as being a naive copout simply to conceal that we do not have enough of the answers provided through science and it's research to say, 'we know this happen at that time for this reason'. At least owning up to not knowing the answer makes for more sense to me than to say that a 'god knows the truth'. We are an intelligent species, yes but, we are still a flawed and a reckless species none the less. We are the one species that has brought about more destruction to the earth's ecosystems and climate than any other inhabitant. We have killed more out of the belief (and disagreements) of the differing morality based upon one's religious views, than for any other reasons, combined. I do agree that morality has been influenced by religion in more recent of human history (within the last 10,000 years) but, in my opinion, morality is a genetic based characteristic of not only the human race but of every species on the globe. We have learned by trial and error and as a result, we are where we are today in light of both the failures and successes that every living creature must go through in the natural evolution of life. This conversation will continue through the ages... just as it's doing now. Welcome to the machine.

Blah, Blam, Blah... BLAH!

I find myself in a bit of a funk. It started yesterday afternoon. Not really excited or cheerful, just kind of here. Not being busy is something that is becoming a point of contention. I said it before that I would find myself (self-induced psychosis) getting bored easily and very quickly. There is one thing that happened at the theatre last night that was rather unusal for me. I was sitting in my seat and behind me were three ladies sitting. One was obviously in her middle ages (50+) and another directly behind me that was in her late twenties and early thirties (my age range) and the one that I was talking with was in the middle. I would say late twenties or early thirties as well but, rather thin, small breasted (and no, that's not a complaint, I've always had an attraction to 'smaller' women), bleached, short hair and these very stunning blue/green eyes if I was seeing them clearly enough with all the different angles of theatre lighting. Anyway, the conversation began with the three of them all responding to Matt's 'exit/electronic devices' voice over and it went from there. I was rather social last night. I, at one point of my rambling on about the theatre and myself found myself quite attracted to her (it was obvious to the other two ladies on either side of her... their silence proved that... they knew what I was doing just as well as the one that I was having the conversation with). I went on and caught myself in midstream thinking, 'oh shit, I'm a selfish bastard'. I'm dominating the conversation and sounding all high and mighty about me, me, me, me. I finished my ranting session and stopped and the conversation seem to grind to a halt. I had overbeared the converstion into... an awkward silence. I turned back around and waited for things on stage to begin. She is another fine example of the fairer sex. I still believe that if I am going to meet someone with whom I would date and/or have a relationship with, it shall come from my normal routine and social outlets (i.e. the theatre). Someone who is creative and focused and passionate about what they do and more importantly, who they are. A living being. I just need to carrying on in a conversation and not 'steam-roller' my way through it. Spontaneous lust will do that to me... 'Mr. Chatterbox'.

Micheal Moore's 'SICKO'... OUTSTANDING!!!

Angry is the one word that describes my feeling having seen 'Sicko' tonight. It had me laughing in very a sad way with regards to how this country, the wealthiest nation in the world, can be one of the most capitalistic and cold-hearted nations on the planet. It truly is a 'me' country. As citizens of this country we are forced to select our very well-beings based on which employer will offer the 'best' health insurance. Our lifespan is three years shorter that the United Kingdom. Insurance companies/HMO's are doing everything in their power to see to it that they mak a profit at the expense of human lives... a fucking profit. Money vs. Health? Those in power are actually asking that very question. The reponses coming back are simply terrifying. Those in the health insurance industry are actually given incentives/bonus' to deny treatments, much less payout those entitled benefits. What if, one day, you were to find yourself with an ailment that would require hospitalization. You're admitted, and treatments are recommended for that particular ailment. Then, in light of your insurance provider's unwillingness to continue to pay, they drop you and tell you to fend for yourself. How would you respond to that? Now add into the equation... what if that person needing treatment was a family member or some one very dear to life... a true friend? What would you do? While I am insured (for which I pay a hefty monthly premium) I can certainly say that I am under-insured. I shook my head so many times during the film that I lost count. Far too many stories with unecessary suffering.

Freedom Delusion

Okay, this will be yet another area where I may rub someone's rhubarbs the wrong way... cannot be help, it's me. This country, one of the youngest on the globe (in terms of being established) has this mentality that really escapes me. Especially in 2007. Freedom? What freedoms do we truly have in this country? We are dependent upon other nations for virtually everything that we produced from generations ago (and probably were dependent then as well). The wealthiest of this nation have more say over the mass everyday/middle and lower class. That's not to say that other nations do not have these class distinctions as well, they just don't seem to exude them so much as we do. 'Bigger is better', 'More is better'. Where the hell did we come up with this crap? I just read this morning that the 'Big 3 - automakers' are taking some major sales drops. While automobiles produced outside this country are showing vast boosts in their share of the market here. Our healthcare in this nation is not even close to being the best for it's citizens. Even though we are supposedly one of the wealthiest nations in the world. Politicians and lobbyists are more concerned with their personal gain that they dismiss the black and white in front of them for the greenbacks and dollar signs ringing in their bank accounts. Don't get me wrong. I want a secure and safe life for myself. The difference is that want that for EVERY single person (not just the ones who can afford it). Money rules and when it speaks, we all lose. I'm angry at the system that create class distinction. Which is to say, america is not at fault. It's simply a by-product of an earlier design. Everything this nation has came from some other place of origin. Humanity stop being creative long before this century. We've simply re-invented 'the wheel' over and over to the point that we've convinced ourselves that we're superior to every other species in the planet. Meanwhile, as we make our 'improvements' we massacre, destroy and sacrifice every other living organism for our own selfish gain. And finally, habeas corpus... in one fell swoop our 'free nation' has been stripped of these principles that every citizen is entitled to by one person who has done so much damage to our perception in the rest of the world's eye that cannot even pull our self-centered ass' up for a breath to realize that our 'freedom' has ultimately be stripped away by the very elements that we claim as a nation to be in opposition to: corruption, greed, death and destruction (our own). All we can do on this day of our independence is shoot pretty fireworks up into the sky. 'What 'god' wants, 'god' gets, 'god' help us all' -- Roger Waters, 'Amused to Death', CD 1992. 'God' is another entirely different subject that I shall address on another occasion. All I will say at this point is religion has caused more death and destruction. Hence, my being a devout atheist. Read Richard Dawkin's 'The God Delusion' and take a look at his website: richarddawkins.net. Habeas Corpus 1215-2006, rest in peace.

Change or Reveal?

A quote from a person who's name escapes me at the moment, 'People do not change, they simply reveal themselsves'. I agree with this without apprehension. I think about how I react and respond to situations now and how I recall situations in the past that shared similar characteristics and know that the primary element that changes constantly speaks to one's experiences in life and the knowledge that when something is said or done, there is a reaction to that. Perhaps, I'm deducing life down to easily (perhaps, it really is that easy... who knows?). The things that I say on here are personal and private and yet, I've decided to make them and, just as importantly, myself open to the public discourse of those around me who know me in their lives... you. I write this as a journal and also as a autobiography that everyone can read. I reveal myself to the reader in ways that may cause an open discussion outside the infinite void of cyberspace. The notion and act of blogging serves many purposes. The most obvious is that it provides, for myself, a means by which to bring things to light about myself that I would othewise not mention... kind of a 'bravery of being out of range' approach to clinical therapy (and quite a bit less of a financial obligation... this being based solely upon your internet service and monthly rate). I'm working towards a open discourse about who I am and how I relate to the people in my life. It's a life's work in progress. It's very... human (even on here). Sure there is an open channel by which you, the reader, can comment on what you read here. It does allow for me to articulate myself a bit more conscientiously and reveal that I am aware of my own self-imposed limitations to express it anywhere else. Maybe I'm talking in circles (or tongues) but, I do that only to try and make my point(s) clear. Sometimes (perhaps even now) I may simply instill utter confusion... oh well. At least I feel better about getting these thoughts out there and into other people's view to read, perceive and understand who I am more so. To reveal thy self to thee.

Relief & Reality

RELIEF: My father had stopped into the shop this afternoon in search of his loving son and discovered I was hanging pictures with Greg at Coach Weis' house in Granger (no, I'm not advertising or, gloating, simply stating a fact... I could not care less about anything or anyone under the dome that doesn't have a direct connection to me or my personal interests... Wait, that's their unspoken policy, isn't it?). Anyway, I called the Daddy-O back once I returned to the shop. *Sigh of relief* That spot on the side of his tongue is nothing to be concerned about in a major way (i.e. cancer). That's not to say that his fight is over. It's simply not in an active state. As long as he continues to smoke, he will not help curtail the future possibility of cancer from showing up. The transitional cells appear to have taken a 'coffee break' from turning to the cancer side of existance. He, as well as everyone around him, are at some ease with this promising news. He will still have to continue to take one of the chemo-meds to help prevent future occurances from popping up. REALITY: Now my reality. This may come as a revelation to some and a reminder to others who already know. In the 1990's, I was young and stupid and did something that has come back to me in spades. I had in my possession credit cards, five to be exact, that I discovered would allow me to have and do things that I wished to do that should have not been acted upon to have or do (i.e. lack of credible funds). Well, I managed to accumulate an excessive amount of debt to these cards and found myself in deep pile of doo doo. I lived beyond my means in my twenties and I'm having to face the reality of that in my thirties. Facing about forty thousand realities to be precise (yes, forty thousand smack-a-roos). Well, guess what, they decided that it was time to hold my feet to the fire and collect their borrowed money back. For the past eighteen months I have been paying back one of those credit cards to the tune of fourteen thousand dollars. The good news is that to date, I have fulfilled my commitment to that. I'm about six hundred dollars shy. At one point, I had seriously considered chapter... whatever and, essentially cheating my way out of it but, I didn't. I stepped up to it and I'm better for it (at least emotionally, not so much financially). Well, I open my mailbox this evening and 'shock, shock, horror, horror', another credit card has decided to pursue me as well. How convienent that just as I'm finishing with one, another comes crashing in (isn't it wonderful how public records can not only help one's situation but, create more chaos in turn?). This one is suggesting that I'm indebted to them for the sum of fifty-two hundred dollars. I'm not denying the allegation, just not totally sure it's accurate to my recollection. The card has been inactive since 2003 so, I'm not sure of it's 'balance' legitimacy. Regardless, if it is indeed mine to deal with, like the one I'm currently entangled with, I will deal with that one in like fashion (everyone else gets a fair shake except, yours truly). While this may sound like me whining for sympathy, it isn't. I realize in my experience and age that we all create the life we must live up to with everything we say and do as we go through this life. I'm just not terribly happy that I was young and that stupid all those years ago. It's making the life I have now more complicated and financially challenging. As a good friend of mine from the theatre would say, 'it is what it is'. How true.

Hot, Hot, Hot...

Today, I'm in the early stages of a rather healthy sunburn. Sunday was a great day, I went to the pool. Proceeded to spend the better part of the afternoon there literally soaking in the sun. I got most of my body covered... with burn. There was an attractive tall, kind of lanky in form, young lady there with, what looked to be her sister and her boyfriend. She carried herself as being the 'third wheel' of the group. I was admiring her from a mutually noticable distance (who wants to be from a safe distance when enjoying the 'eye candy' anyway... not me). There were a number of dead on looks at each other. It was fun. Of course, being the doofus that I am, I did not at any time, get up and walk over and introduce myself (no, that would be too easy and could have resulted in my possibly creating a new possibility of romance... can't have that now, can I?). Anyway, I walk back over to my apartment and realize rather quickly, 'Ooo, I'm a little on the RED side'. No shit, genius. I slept fairly well last night, in light of my newly acquired 'lobster tinting'. Today, as always, I'm at the theatre working on the set for 'High On Something' and I'm feeling kind of tired and achy (hmm, skin is feeling tight, wonder why that would be???). I'm probably going to peel as I always do after a sunbathing like this. Tanning is not my body's habit. I thought maybe at thirty-six I would somehow tan THIS time... guess not. When I got home this afternoon, I laid around for a few hours and then went over to the pool and got in just long enough to soak the bod. That felt REALLY good. Who knows, maybe I will tan for once. It wouldn't be a bad thing. The fact that I'm going to the pool and actually laying still for half hour increments is out of character for me. I'm settling into my soft middle age I suppose and relaxing is part of that stage. WOO WHOO!

Indoor Fireworks

Ahh, a great title (see Elvis Costello) and equally appropriate title to this particular posting. I caught myself recalling back to July 4th's of years past and it hit me. It was ten years ago this year that I ended my 'virgin days'. Yes, I shared the sexual moments with a beautiful young lady at that point with whom I was falling very much in love with. She was the first woman that seemed to feel the same towards me (as time passed, so did that sentiment... obviously, the here and now clearly shows) as I felt toward her. What was so amazing about that time was I had consciously decided that after years of refusing to budge on my ideals of what 'she' should be like (i.e. non-co-worker, mother, smoker) I found myself entranced with Patty. She was beautiful. Her son, Joshua, made such an impression upon me (it was mutual between he and I) that after things had ended with us, I realized how much I loved children. He showed me that in his unconditional love. Patty had realized in turning twenty-one that there was more to the social scene than just me (rightfully so) and that was the beginning of the end for her and I. Not to stray too far off my original point of this posting, July 4th, 1997. Patty and I had been dating for about a month and a half. Not a long period of time, mind you but, it was a very intense month and a half leading up to that night. Patty and I had been romantic in other ways. We had not explored the physical sexual highlights, yet. That was all about to change. She had invited me down to Bremen to hang out with her and Joshua at her sister's apartment and then watch the local fireworks display later on. We laid out blankets for all of us to sit and watch the display (both of them had a child) so, it was fun for the all of us. Afterwards, Patty's sister kept Joshua for the rest of the night. Patty and I went back to her house and went downstairs to watch television (probably the last time I really watched much television was with her). Naturally, we started making out on the couch and things really got heated up, quickly. Before we knew it, we were naked and sweating like a couple of waterfalls. She knew that I was still a virgin and was very understanding that I didn't know my body's motions in this kind of situation. She was very patient and playful about it as well. It made it all the more meaningful to give myself to her. I remember how joy and pleasure she gave to me. I knew how much I gave to her during the good times of our relationship. I do remember the bad times but, with her, I remember that night and all the emotion that we shared. It was my first foray into bliss. I'm very glad as I think back that it was shared with her. I hope her life is everything that she had hoped it would turn out to be, today. Thank you Patty and Joshua.

Smoke? Drink? Pray? WHY???

The title says it all but, I shall elaborate a bit (because I can do that here). Let's take each one in order. Smoking. Hmmm, smells bad, makes others smell as bad, causes all sorts of life altering /ending diseases and can easily take any person and break their will without them even noticing it until it's too late. All of the sake of looking and feeling 'cool'. I see people I know and random people (physically attractive women, yes) in the course of my day and think to myself, self, she would be someone I would... waita minute... she's lighting up a cigarette! What a waste of such beauty. If she only had the sense to see that by doing that she's shortening her life and basically helping to bring about a myriad of difficulties in her later life. Drink. Again, what's the point. Spend money that you could use to do other more productive and memorable things. Wake up in the morning not feeling like that mack truck had just run over your head and/or stomach. It is a poor means to escape reality. It basically takes you in, drowns you out and spits you back out in worse shape then when you started (and all those other things are still there... waiting patiently). It dulls one's sense and that is definitely not the way I want to meet someone (especially someone who I would give my heart too). Pray (i.e. religion). As far back as I can remember, I always had this sense that organized religion was, and still is, nothing more than a pop culture cult for those who lack a higher level of self-esteem. Placing one's belief in life and the material world around them into a book of stories that somehow (???) instills trust in a supernatural lifeforce. So, does that mean the easter bunny, tooth fairy and santa claus and zeus all exist and are simply waiting for an opportun moment to suddenly show up and prove the nay-sayers wrong? I'd pay to see that. Religion is an emotional crutch and a cop-out for explaining the origins of life. The bible is book of stories... written by man. Atheism makes more sense to me than seven days that 'god' spent on creating this existance. *BUZZ* wrong answer. Face life going full speed and to understand that we as humans, continue to create these martyrs for our own purposes, good and/or bad. Atheist, and quite proud of that.

Post-Show Syndrome

Here I am once again, bored, bored, bored (and still bored, even). 'Private 'Parts'' is now in the past and I have my free time once again. Man, this sucks. I'd much rather be excessively busy than this... too much time to think about the rest of my life. Working on mondays at the theatre actually maintains my 'fix' for the theatre in between shows. Today, as an example was a productive day towards 'High-On-Something' (i.e. High School Musical). It's nice to know that Mr. C. and Mr. D. appreciate the time I give every week. I'm concerned about Mr. C. and his health. I'm consciously aware that he does put in very long hours at the theatre. His passion is having some side effects that I hope he is able to deal with and come back stronger from. I worry about my friends. It's amazing, in the progression of time I've gone from knowing of him in conversation to knowing the him and being able to call him a good friend in the span of about two years (ever since, 'Hello Dolly'). The theatre has opened up several avenues of friendship with people within the organization. Working alongside these very creative people has certainly inspired me to put more of myself into this artform.
Another example, Kathleen, who paid both Ed and myself a fine compliment yesterday. Actually, both her and Melanie paid one to us as well through the show. The one they conveyed was that they would not go to the cast party without us. The other one Kathleen said to us yesterday was that we seemed like two really nice guys. I find myself appreciating those kinds of gestures and words. It will travel miles farther than and grandiose displays of appreciation (I'll gladly take those as they come as well, of course).
I'm planning on taking this week off from any major theatre work. Next week may prove to be another opportunity with 'High On Something'. That production may have a need for a second stage manager that I may offer to do (besides, David has been pouty with me because I've not done anything with him since 'La Mancha'... he's just joking around with me when he does that, I know). Still, it would be fun to work with him twice in one year.
At present, life is a bit slow-moving but, it is, as always, good.

'Private Parts' On The 'Re-Zoom'

Well, here I am once again, at the end of my seventh civic theatre activity since november of '06. This one has been fun with everyone in the cast and especially the running crew. There are some many good reasons for me to continue working with the theatre I cannot image going too long before I find myself hunched over, rolled up in a fetus ball and suffering from the 'withdrawal' of not doing something with this endless group of friends to work with. I have found something that speaks to my motivation to do things with and for other people and share an instant mutual gratitude for each other. SBCT is a lucid drug that has me hooked. I have no complaints about that... period! After we strike the show this afternoon, we're off to the closing party and good time should be had by all. Next weekend is the spotlight on civic event for which I'm going to be assisting with in terms of the behind the scenes stuff so those wealthy people of the community can comsume finger-ish food and give even more monetary fuel to the volunteer and employee foundation of what keeps the working class of the theatre going. That is not a criticism, simply an accurate observation. Money does rule the world or, at the very least, allow for those of us who dedicate ourselves to this creative process, to continue. John Lennon: '...the everyday people can clap your hands, the wealthy can rattle your jewelry...'. I love that quote. It may not have any relevance in what I'm saying here (there again, what does, it's a blog, a public diary of random events that will only seem relevant to those who truly know us in the material world). Ah well, enough rambling, time for some porn and then it's time to hi the shower.

Laughed, Cried and Died... Just a Little

Tonight something that happens too far and in between happened twice. Good conversation with passionate friends. Ones who understand and live their lives in the hope that they will be remembered for who they are and less about what they've done in life. There is too much living and not enough life these times. To our friends.

Whiling away the time

Seems that my life is perpetually motivated by the misfortune of others. Case in point, my father. He's sixty-five and battling cancer. First with in the back of his throat, then his lung and now again (potentially, soon to be diagnosed) his tongue. He complains about the chemo and the effects of it upon him and yet he stills forges onward living, working (in his limited capacity) and trying to maintain the 'life' he's created. Not changing one single thing of it... including the one thing that most sensible people would stop doing at the first signs of cancer... smoking. Yes, that's right, he continues to light up. He believes that the cheap cigars and their saliva mixed 'juice' caused all of this cancer he is now dealing with. I know better than that, don't we all? Apparently the chemo is warping his perception of what is sensible as well as the cancer cells that have infiltrated his body. Sense any sarcasm in my words? Yes? Good! I'd love to take them away from him or even better, see him actually use his good sense to see that he's opening the proverbial door to the cancer cells that are already in his body to turn other perfectly healthy cells the the 'dark side' of their existance and become little killing machines. Life is on the shorter side for him these days... the 'autumn of his days'. He made the statement tonight that solidifies his fate. 'I'm existing these days, I'm not living life.' 'Once we find out what is the deal with this spot on the tongue, I'll decide what to do next'. Fighting this is apparently not the primary goal in his mind if the words '...let it consume me...' are already rolling off his tongue (to his son). In light of all this negativity, I find myself inspired to commit myself to doing all that I can in the life I have to live so that I'm not looking back in my 'autumn' saying 'woulda, coulda, shoulda'. That's simply not acceptable to me. If I'm going down, damn it I'm fighting it with all my life (or I'll take people with me... I'm kidding about that... sounds good though). Life is good for me. It's a never-ending myriad of challenges that each of us must face everyday. Live to win! Believe in yourself that way and it will happen in the physical world of this life lived.